Blog entry for:

bring shared respect and lasting empathy. as the past couple of days are starting to bring home top me, is how many of the relationships i am part of, do i play a butterfly, here for a season in all my splendor, then until i come back again? and when i do, i expect to be regaled in all my glory and pick-up exactly where i left off. no wonder i was so pissed this week. that is one of the defects of character that i despise the most within me. well, that is more of a shortcoming, that is a behavior, arising in reaction to feelings that are evoked by one or more of those pesky, dang defects.
it is clear to me, that this behavior comes from the FEAR of being abandoned, even though i was almost always the one who left and not them. for someone, who whines so much about pain and does what he can to deflect, avoid and morph pain into anything else, i certainly am a glutton for punishment. i am certain, that if i believed in my heart of hearts, that i was worth having intimate relationships and deep long-term friendships, the butterfly behavior would go away. from that asset would flow the confidence to make and build relationships and know that while not perfect, i could be a partner in those relationships with some constancy. if they chose to leave. well that would be what it would be. yes it would hurt. yes, it would take some inventory to see if i needed to be a better participant and perhaps even lead to lasting mending of my behaviors, BUT i would not have to take it as some sort of dig and internalize their stuff. that is always the trick, not taking on their stuff.
all the angst i have been writing about the past few days, has run its course in me. yes, angst is a good word, a bit of hyperbole, but an excellent choice for my feelings, nevertheless. i want everyone to always be there. when they are not, well the pain i feel is turned into anger towards them and self-abuse about how sick, twisted and broken i am, that i cannot keep the people i care about most in my life. and yet, over the course of the past 12 months, i have become a better friend, more social and less of a butterfly. i have men in my life who actually want to be a part of my life. i friends that i can respect and actually respect me. as my anniversary week, so pointedly demonstrated, i have peeps who love me and all i have to do is love them back. even the most annoying of those, still gave me a hug and told me to keep coming back. perhaps the glacier of my resistance to change is finally beginning to be affected by the global warming of my spirit, to seriously mix a metaphor.
this morning, i can honestly say, that i worth having friends -- and i need not run and hide from my feelings. as painful as it is ♥ maybe today i can feel the pain of absence and allow it just to be pain and nothing more, after all, i really do have just today, so why not make it the best i can.

∞ DT ∞