Blog entry for:

being myself. why is that so difficult to do? looking at who i am and who i want to be, this could be a simple task and yet, i struggle with it, more often than not. part of it comes from wanting to “look good,” my desire to put out that i am doing better than i really am. part of it comes from wanting to be the “center” of my local world. more than anything, it seems to stem from the judge, jury and executioner, inside of my head that tells me that not only am i NOT good enough, just the way i am, i will NEVER be. so i fudge my way through my day, critically looking at every interaction and determined to find out how i could have done better. not a very easy manner of living unfortunately, but a pattern i seem DOOMED to repeat.
the good news, in all of this? well i am better at not dwelling there. i can have disagreements without thinking that maybe i need to “ex” that person out of my life, or dismissing my own feelings and reactions. i can look at my reactions and behaviors on a daily basis and see not only where i FAILED, but where i succeeded. most days i get a passing grade with more successes than failures, and yet, i still think that if only i could do something else, i would have done so much better.
bad news and good news out of the way, time to move into a solution, or at least speaking to what i “heard” when i sat down and listened this morning. i said something to a family member the other day, that still feels as if i was wrong. i told them that sometimes i felt more like a hired hand, rather than a valued family member and i am not sure how well it came off. i know in my heart of n]=hearts i had to say it, i was getting resentful and starting to move out of that house. i have “divorced” my family in the past, because at times i did not feel like i fit, or i wanted to hide what i had become. today, i know that if i let petty little feelings build and grow, i will desire to move back into that place, after all, it is easier to avoid, than to confront a challenge when it comes to relationships. that too, goes back to the notion that i am not good enough to say “hey this needs to change.” my head is telling me that i need to jump in, run over and take everything back, when my gut is saying to do nothing and let things sit for a bit. so what am i going to do? whine about how bad i am at Fantasy Football, do a little bit of work and enjoy the day, football and all. otherwise i will get up in my head and transfer my frustrations to a third party, who has ]done nothing wrong, as that too, is part of how i used to live, “old behaviors” as it is often said around the rooms.
today i am better than all of that and need to say so. it is after all, just for today and i can measure my success by another day clean.

∞ DT ∞