Blog entry for:

bring shared respect and lasting empathy. i read the news today oh boy, about a lucky man who made the grade, although the news was rather sad, well i just had to laugh, i saw the photograph…
so a bit of a diversion to the Fab Four there, not quite sure what is going on in my head, but as i sat down to start writing this, that song popped into my head. with a bit of tap dancing and some smoke and mirrors, maybe i can make it fit into the topic of honest relationships.
as i have walked the path of recovery, more and more has been revealed to me about how to live. i am not talking about advanced living skills, no what i am talking about is the basic living skills that the other 85% seem to know instinctively. stuff like, if i want to respect, i have to be respectful of others. stuff like i am not entitled to you unconditional love, just because i walk into in your life. stuff like, if i hold myself back from relationships, i will never have and deep and long lasting relationships. this litany of personal behavior evils, could go on and on, but i am quite certain my point has been driven home. honest relationships were not at the top of my “to do” list when i got to the rooms, and only as i got better and realized how isolated i had become, did i even begin to think that i wanted to do the work necessary to build and maintain such relationships, being a rock and an island, seemed like a more prudent course, but the carrots were greatly outweighed by the sticks, in that particular course of action, so abandoned that manner of living and started learning how to live ad an integrated and connected part of my local world.
laughing at the tragedy of others, was part of my repertoire of behaviors when i walked into the rooms. it allowed me to build a bit of esteem by demonstrating my superiority. after all, i at least i was not doing that. ironically, when i laugh with my peers over the absurd behaviors and the consequences of those acts in their lives, it is out a sense of respect and sharing their pain. i know that sometimes i make poor decisions, and self-will them to the very end. more and more i am finding, that if i pay attention to what my peers and friends are telling me, i understand when i am in self-will and ego and when i am living in the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. do i really want another job? the answer is not really. i like where i work and i like the people i work with. what i want is a bit more money, because in my twisted sense of perspective, my self-esteem is contingent on how much i am getting paid, in relationship to my professional peers. yes in my professional like bucks equals status, at least in my twisted sense of self-worth. which sort of brings me back to the top. i literally have mad the grade. i have a full life with relationships, professional success, a college degree, the ability to go buy a car and thousands of days clean, and yet there are times when i want to figuratively kill that man, by my own hand. the photograph i picture in my head, is one that a friend seems to be living out. giving away all that i worked for, bit by bit on some days, wholesale on others, but inevitably becoming the vision of what an addict looks like, that i had in my head, back in the days before i was ready to get and stay clean. i may not blow my mind out in a car, but i certainly have more than one way to blow my mind out, should i choose to go that way.
today? well today, i am going to try and get a car that is new to me, finish my ticket at work, get some work done on my volunteer project and just be as present as i can possibly be, and oh yeah, notice that the light has changed!

∞ DT ∞