Blog entry for:

changes in how i interact with the world, how i see myself in that world and what i need to participate in the lives of those who care for me in that world, are the result of living an active program of recovery. here is where i would launch into a bout of false humility and go on and on about how none of this was my doing and i am so grateful that a HIGHER POWER has created this “new me.” the fact is, i might say that, but i certainly do not believe that to be true, i did after all, have a HUGE part in this transformative process. of course, for me anyhow, that pendulum swing just as far the other way, taking all the credit for the person i have become. the simple fact of the matter is, people, such as myself, who used for decades and were forced to their knees by outside forces, very rarely get clean, stay clean and GET the opportunity to participate in any sort of recovery process.
the next part in my “by the numbers” share would be to write about how “bad” i was back in the day. that is true, when i came to recovery, i had decided that it was me against the world and most of what i did, thought and believed, outside of finding the ways and means to get high, was all about how i could make myself, happier, more secure and less responsible for my life in general. if others did not “get me,” well f*ck those rat bastards anyhow, who needs them. that sort of chip on my shoulder was not very conducive to letting go of who i thought i was and what i thought i was entitled to in this life and was the root cause of my eighteen months of being “around” the programs, under the sword of “forced sobriety.”
all of that is far from removed, and i certainly see it oozing out in the way i carry myself through each and every day. on my daily commute, time and again, i find myself wondering who the f*ck they think they are, doing this or that “ass-holish” maneuver. i find myself competing with my fellow travelers and railing at those who are just too plain “stupid” to get out of my way. i can however and often do, let go of the notion that i need to be first on race day and realize that the only reason i am driving MY CAR to MY JOB, day after day, is because i surrendered to a program of recovery and allowed myself to be changed as a result of implementing the twelve steps into MY LIFE.
there are times these days, when i almost regret stepping back into the “real” world and would love to retreat back into the cocoon of active addiction. to say anything else would be a lie. when i was isolated and alone, i could be whoever i wanted or needed to be. life in the real world has removed my desire to be anything sled but myself, whatever that may be today. i may think i just want to be alone, but i would quickly come to regret choosing that boring humdrum existence.
the GOOD NEWS? well for ma anyhow, i am certain that this day, like the eight thousand or so that preceded it, is a good day to be clean, and i GET to choose to be part of the world around me. i may feel put upon, pissed-off and self-righteously judgemental as this day goes on, but at least i GET to feel those feelings and find a better way to respond to them, and here it comes, thanks to the POWER that fuels my recovery, the program of recovery i choose to live today and my peers and predecessors, after all it took that entire village to raise this child.

∞ DT ∞