Blog entry for:

is something i may not know how to do, after decades of being what my story told me i am. what i uncovered in my SECOND STEP, is my FEAR of not knowing who i am. it is interesting that after a bit of time in recovery and some steps under my belt, that i should be living in a state of angst about not knowing what i will become as a result of this set of steps. what i know to be “true” is that if i surrender to the process, i can be freed from the insanity that is currently plaguing me. here i sit, firmly entrenched on the cusp of STEP THREE, nearly paralyzed with FEAR and wondering what i can do to make things that have been going so so freaking slow, go faster, and not step work. what i heard this morning, is that nothing is FVCKED, i just need to breathe and allow the world to spin as it will, and remember who i was and what this process has brought to my life, to date.
coming back to the topic at hand, as it does fit what i am going through, the body of evidence the part of me i call addiction is attempting to deny, goes straight to how i live my relationships these days. when i came to recovery, my relationships were far from partnerships or founded on any sort of mutual pay-offs, it was all about what i could get and how little i had to pay for that. two step cycles later, things began to change for me, as i became finally capable of feeling empathy and compassion.
so before i took a time out to get a few thousand steps, this was going to be a “man, i am so much better than i once was,” sort of post. that is true, i am better than i once was. it is also true, that citing the body of evidence of how i behave today versus even five or ten years ago, one can see that i have changed since coming to recovery and if i knew the path of that change, it would have been yet another story i made up. what is true, that as i look at my FEAR of becoming someone that i may not recognize, i can see that i have never really had any clue about what changes the recovery process will bring, to live in FEAR of the unknown will only paralyze me and keep me from doing what i need to do, let go and move into to STEP THREE.

∞ DT ∞