Blog entry for:

with another human being IF i am fully honest. yes, that is correct, a vague statement turned into a strong affirmation of what i NEED to do, to get the outcome i desire. i feel much better this morning as my petulant little tantrum over the power i lacked, has run it's course. yes i still think that person is vile, evil, manipulative, toxic and deserves to burn in hell, HOWEVER, i am not the one who will visit the justice of the universe upon them.
moving on, where is the hope in that last statement? well one does have to dig. in the first place, i am no longer allowing myself to be poisoned by the feelings i have. that does not mean i am swallowing those feelings or denying that slice of reality as i see it, it just means that in the scheme of things it has lost it's primacy and i can now move on. it also means, that i can finally have a discussion with others, without having to defend a position or attack their position. by allowing the anger to wash through me, and coming to a place where i may still be angry, but i need not polish it into a shiny little resentment, i can move forward and continue my recovery process.
still more hope? i DID not act out on my desires to wreak punishment, nor did i use, both of which were part of the options i had before me, as i was considering what the fVCk to do yesterday. going to a meeting, telling on myself, and talking with other addicts defused a toxic internal landscape and allowed me to move into a place of acceptance, that people are people and addicts are addicts. using addicts will do whatever they think they NEED to do, to protect that lifestyle and sometimes the drug is not be=necessarily a mind or mood altering substance. for me, the drug has been anger, rationalized and justified by spiritual camouflage, wrapped up in a neat wrapper of self-righteous indignation and presented to the world around me as something shiny and desirous, just waiting to explode like a nuclear bomb when opened by it' target. i am glad that time, a HIGHER POWER and the bit of recovery i do have, has removed that from, me and i see it for what it is this morning, just another pile of crap that would be best left out on the rubbish heap waiting for the divine garbage collector to sweep it away. for that is exactly what it is, garbage.
anyhow, yes i am better, and yes there is more than i a little venom rolling around inside of me, but i have work to do, and football to pay attention to and a bit of service to accomplish today. with that though in mind, i do believe i will jump into the shower and head out to my next destination this morning, it after all a GREAT DAY TO BE CLEAN.

∞ DT ∞