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the irony is, that i seemed to think i had wonderful, fulfilling life in active addiction. getting clean would be worse than serving a life sentence at hard labor. i have however, discovered that the opposite is true. my life was miserable, but i lacked the FAITH to trade that familiar misery for the uncertainties of recovery.
before i launch into my morning or daily or whatever diatribe

Happy 7th Clean Date anniversary
Tim M

so it is off to the random mind dump that has filled me this morning.
yes the irony of being miserable in recovery by my choice is quite apparent to me, and although it could be something that i can laugh about, when i am stuck in it, it hardly seems funny at all. i know there are members who go through periods of emotional instability, myself included. i also have been through hard times when life on life’s terms sucked. there have also been times when i thought to myself is this all there is? all of those situations are certainly enough to make a normal person miserable, so feeling miserable about that is hardly something i can attribute to the facts of my life. no it is my tendency to dwell and savor the misery that is germane here. normal people, at least as far as i can observe, seem to take life’s little ups and downs a whole lot better than i do, they seem to bounce back and move forward whereas i just sit and stew, UNTIL i actually talk about with my sponsor, my peers, my significant other or a closed mouth friend. all of a sudden there is a huge weight lifted from my soul and i am once again free to soar in recovery.
i do understand that it is me, who lengthens the time i am miserable, not life, not GOD, not those fVckers who do not know how to drive, my task today is to move forward with my life, accepting it as it comes and letting go of my desire to be miserable. i have come to the beleif that it is the part of me i call my addiction that desires misery, after all, that misery can be the path back to active addiction, if i allow to be, by ignoring those things that have kept me clean to date.
so off to the showers and into the REAL world.

∞ DT ∞