Blog entry for:

optional!
ironically, one of my peers used to have this clean date, and they were and still are one of the most miserable people in my life. they did not make my life miserable, they just act as if there is some sort of dark miasma surrounding 99.9999% of the time. why they insist on staying there, i will not speculate nor do i need to go on and on about them, i brought it up, because as i sat and listened this morning i realized that i, too, manufacture 99.9999% of my own misery.
i am not the type that walks around farting daisies, or sh!tting rainbows, in fact i have a very cynical streak in me, and have the tendency to see the yang rather than the yin. ☯ it would be quite easy, being wired the way that i am, to slip into the fog of misery and miss what is really going on in my life and in myself. in fact, when i came to the rooms and for those eighteen months between my clean date and coming to in recovery, i was a miserable sot of a person, who put on a smile, and acted as-if everything was yippy-skippy, when i was dealing with the scorched earth inside. i hated being clean. i hated having feelings. i hated the Twentieth Judicial District. i hated my family and i was NOT under any circumstances, going to stay clean one day longer than i NEEDED to. all that hate, or better put raging resentments have been eliminated in my life, and yet i have not stayed clean one day longer than i have needed to. yes. today i NEED to stay clean, simply because i WANT it. i could look at all the bad in my life, my friends, my peers my family and the world around me, and find more than enough to be miserable about, life on life's terms is like that. i could crawl into some hole and send out missives from the underground illustrated by this meme or that, giving the impression that i am not a sick as i feel. all of that is part of the set of options i have today. for me, this time of year used to be nearly debilitating, under the cloud of shrinking sunlight. i still feel the effects of the ever shortening days, and yet i do not feel that it affects me with the same intensity, simply because i know what is happening, and i surrender to the fact that as the days get shorter, my mood gets darker, and i move on. i go to work, hang with my friends, go to meetings, make my phone calls, and in general participate in my life, even though i would prefer to hang at home, go back to bed and sleep until Valentine's day. recovery give me the opportunity to choose a different way of living and as i move forward into this day, clod and snowy as it may become, i will remember that i CHOOSE to live this way, it is not a way of living that was foisted upon m,e by forces beyond my control and my ken. and just for today, i can be grateful that i have made a choice to be something more.

∞ DT ∞