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to surrender my misery, is not part of my story. it is true however that it is a fortunate set of circumstances that led to the life i have today, which includes an active program of recovery. i can safely say that this outcome could hardly be predicted for someone such as myself. it is a sad fact of life that most of those who start this journey of recover through the coercion of the justice system do not stick around for very long. my anger at being here and all the offerings of what those who walked this path before me, were more than enough to provide the evidence of how “different” i am and nearly put me into that bucket of “tried that, did not work, might as well see what i can get away with” kind of guy. today as sad and remorseful as i may feel over the anniversary of a friend's untimely demise at their own hand i know that i am not responsible for his decision. which brings me to what popped up to the top of the stack this morning.
as i sat, i went over in my head what happened at the meeting last night. some of my peers in attendance were ones i believed i could live better if i never, ever heard them share again. much to my surprise what they shared was real and without puffery, slogans or clichés. i was impressed with what i heard and moved to share the whole co-dependent thing i am feeling over my friend and peer Brian. he certainly taught me how toxic shame could be. he taught me that there are those who need to use psychotropic prescriptions because they really do have mental health issues and not just symptoms of early recovery. he taught me how hard it is to walk in to a room and wonder who saw him while he was in his break from reality and wonder what he might have said or done to them. most of all he taught me that i cannot see into the heart of anyone and i cannot remove their pain, their shame or the chemical imbalance in their brain.
it is not the first time when i have seen misery lead to decisions that my former peers may not find palatable, but i do understand that my ironclad case against the recovery process, need not be one that i open up and exercise, as today the misery of active addiction is a dim memory. i may have thrown more than a few judgements last night and most of them were unjustified. what i learned is that clean time does not equal recovery and some of the time, those with the most clean time, remain stuck in an unchanging reality that only clichés and bumper stickers can describe. for me, i want more than that as i am far from ready to exercise the nuclear option.

∞ DT ∞