Blog entry for:

serving a life sentence at hard labor. that was certainly my notion when it came to living without using drugs. i never imagined that i would CHOOSE to live a life free from using or have the desire to do what it takes to foster that choice. it was not like my life as an addict was all giggles and good times, but i was more than certain it was because of the drugs i had any giggles or good times. the fact is, i was mistaken of what my life could be, once i got clean and more importantly how i would be transformed, once i learned to live a program of recovery. that is more than likely the end of the daisies, rainbow and unicorns, for today.
a couple of things are weighing me down, Brian's demise a year ago and my lack of awareness on the day of his passing. i have been pout of sorts ever sense that realization set in, and way off the mark. even my probably victory in Fantasy Football and a Broncos win, have done little to lift my spirits, as all i feel is the gloom of grief and the stinging recriminations of my, oh so human, forgetfulness. my 10TH step last night was far from the relief i get most of the time, and every little thing someone says to me, i take as an affront or an insult. in a word, i am miserable, today and i am the root cause of my misery. i do not like feeling sad, remorseful and grief. i am seeking the means to shove all that into the bit-bucket, even though i know that feeling those feelings are the best way forward. even though i long ago gave up on the notion of having to know the “why” of my desire to get high, i am more than certain that part of it had to do with the wonderful side-effect of not having to face the feelings i considered “negative” or “destructive.” the simple fact is that life without using, means i have to feel those raw feelings and allow myself to find the courage to do so. what i am starting to feel today, is that it my feelings that are at the nature of my reluctance to move into STEP ONE and my lack of courage comes down to my FEAR of what i may discover, when it comes down to those feelings. so i lie to myself and deny my need to move forward, and pretend the pain i feel is just the pain of every day life, when in fact it is self-inflicted and avoidable. that my friends, is life in this nutshell!
so what am i going to do? acknowledge what i am feeling and move on down the road to work, i know that the answer lies in allowing this process, recovery, to guide me through the rest of this day. i can CHOOSE misery or i can move on, and right now, at least for another hour, i can be a little bit miserable and take it out on the drivers around me, just for today!

∞ DT ∞