Blog entry for:

to give up the misery of active addiction for the sanity of recovery.
so this morning, my head is just filled with one irony after another, and ironically, it all has to do with my peers that are the most miserable or stuck in their recovery. first off, this was once the clean date anniversary of one of the most miserable of my peers i have ever had as part of my life. they refused to accept that change came from the inside. they refused to accept money or no money, WOMAN or NO WOMAN, regardless of how good they looked, they NEEDED to allow the process to work, and they fought it every step of the way. no matter how much they had it was never good enough. if they could not swoop in and save a damsel in distress, they were unfulfilled. worst of all, all they were was a reflection of what they thought others saw them as, and they played to the crowd. it is no wonder that it took months to own up to a relapse, much less blame their continued use on the very people who knew and loved them the most. yes, ironically the person who had this clean date was the most miserable person i have ever known, and they were unwilling to ever trade that familiar misery for the unknown territory of life without an attachment and in recovery.
which brings me back to the second part of the ironic thoughts that arouse form this reading. listening to my peers share last night about how cliché the reading was and using the interpretation of the word winner that implies a contest, was an interesting take on the reading. unfortunately, the judgement machine was rolling in my head and some of the most stuck of my peers, were the ones with the greatest objections to the reading yesterday. i certainly can see where they are coming from, as i was once there as well. for me, winning is not about a race, nor is it about separating myself from the pack, it is about winning my freedom, as in acquiring a prize, from active addiction and the life i was living. it is about gaining a victory over something that kicked my a$$ for over a quarter of a century. it is about a winning a release from the bondage of self and the prison of having to get high, every single day. which dovetails quite nicely with what i heard this morning. being a winner, means i no longer have to settle for being a volunteer for misery. i left the lobby of hotel recovery a long time ago, and once i started my journey i no longer have to focus on the substances that brought me to my knees. i can have a life, build a future and yes let the process of change consume and transform me, into something i never dreamed was possible, a man who continues to win his freedom from active addiction.
i certainly may not take the party line all the time, or agree with everything that is written down, BUT when i hear something that i do not like, and that is all it really is, a preference of taste, i have suspend my judgement and look to what it is that is distasteful to me. what i judged in my peers last night? well what i see this morning, is that when i do not feel like a winner, which happens from time to time, i make sure i sully that feeling for everyone else, which is distasteful and very familiar behavior. today, i can step beyond being miserable, by remembering that i need not be a victim to my self-created misery. i have the means, the motive and the opportunity not to be stuck in the same old traps that got me high, back in the day.

∞ DT ∞