๐ i have this choice: ๐
Posted: Tue, Dec 11, 2018 08:36:05 AM
misery or recovery, just for today.
this morning as i sat, two of my peers and how they lived their program, were paramount in my mind. one decided that ending his misery by ending his life was the way to go, the other decided that dipping his wick into something exciting was his way out. neither of those “solutions” are palatable to me, although i do understand why one might choose to do that. i am not saying i have any insight into why they did what they did, i am saying i could see myself moving in that direction is i was that dissatisfied with my life. it is not that my life is perfect, i am a spiritual giant or i “got this.” far from it, i am comfortably ensconced in my recovery program and i can accept that what i have today is far better than what i had when i got here. i may not be one of those “half-full” kind of guys, but i am certainly grateful that i have a glass to look at, stripping it down to its basic elements.content, at least in my world, is far better that the highs and lows of agony and ecstasy.
at the meeting last night, i realized that the whole topic of “winners” means that there must be losers, as well. at least that was one of the reasons i was a bit “off” yesterday. the biggest reason was my lack of reaction to the anniversary of my friend's passing. yes, i beat myself up about it last year and because i am dimmed to repeat my mistakes, when i choose not to remember them, i had the opportunity to revisit all of that stuff from last year and the year before. so i will not forget, maybe, time for a visual reminder:
this morning, now that i have dealt with yesterday, i realize my life is not all that i would DESIRE it to be. in fact, there are a few parts that i have trashed, because of trying to self-will myself through what appeared to be an easier, softer way. i accept that surrendering my will and my life into the care of a HIGHER POWER, is truly the easier softer way. what i DESIRE and what i NEED are certainly not always the same and i am poorly equipped to discern the difference. i learn through living an active program of recovery, to begin to grasp the differnces and just for today, i think i will be okay with what i have and see what i might be given, if i pay attention to the world around me.
this morning as i sat, two of my peers and how they lived their program, were paramount in my mind. one decided that ending his misery by ending his life was the way to go, the other decided that dipping his wick into something exciting was his way out. neither of those “solutions” are palatable to me, although i do understand why one might choose to do that. i am not saying i have any insight into why they did what they did, i am saying i could see myself moving in that direction is i was that dissatisfied with my life. it is not that my life is perfect, i am a spiritual giant or i “got this.” far from it, i am comfortably ensconced in my recovery program and i can accept that what i have today is far better than what i had when i got here. i may not be one of those “half-full” kind of guys, but i am certainly grateful that i have a glass to look at, stripping it down to its basic elements.content, at least in my world, is far better that the highs and lows of agony and ecstasy.
at the meeting last night, i realized that the whole topic of “winners” means that there must be losers, as well. at least that was one of the reasons i was a bit “off” yesterday. the biggest reason was my lack of reaction to the anniversary of my friend's passing. yes, i beat myself up about it last year and because i am dimmed to repeat my mistakes, when i choose not to remember them, i had the opportunity to revisit all of that stuff from last year and the year before. so i will not forget, maybe, time for a visual reminder:
this morning, now that i have dealt with yesterday, i realize my life is not all that i would DESIRE it to be. in fact, there are a few parts that i have trashed, because of trying to self-will myself through what appeared to be an easier, softer way. i accept that surrendering my will and my life into the care of a HIGHER POWER, is truly the easier softer way. what i DESIRE and what i NEED are certainly not always the same and i am poorly equipped to discern the difference. i learn through living an active program of recovery, to begin to grasp the differnces and just for today, i think i will be okay with what i have and see what i might be given, if i pay attention to the world around me.
∞ DT ∞