Blog entry for:

okay, it is true, i have to admit that i am taking some pleasure in causing someone a bit of misery, just by being who i am. it came up on my TENTH STEP last night and once again, as i sat this morning. since my last interaction with that person, i have done absolutely nothing to cause their angst and if they had been paying attention, taken measures to relieve them of their concerns about what i might do. for me, letting go of an outcome has been freeing and has allowed me to sleep well and walk away from all the angst, anger, disappointment and frustration i was feeling, just a week ago. for me, the pain of being controlling and worried about others foisting the “wrong” decision down my throat has been replaced by a reclaiming of my personal power, at least in this situation. do i agree with the so-called “elegant solution” to a problem that does not exist? not really, but i am ready to be a part of developing something that will not blow back on my fellowship.
as i sat this morning, after acknowledging that i am still a bit of a sick pup, what i heard was that i have the power to keep my job. i have the power to move forward in my recovery. most importantly, i have the power to allow the world to spin as it will and accept that it will not always, nay belay that, accept that for the most part, the world will spin according to my wishes. my unhealthy attachment to my expectations of what “should be,” is the source of misery in my life. does that mean i sleepwalk through life, like some sort of sheeple, deferring all decisions to those who tell me they are wiser than i am? no, that is not what i am about today. i seek to see new ideas and paradigms with a critical eye and offer my commentary on those ideas, as it arises. just because i may find something wrong and abhorrent on first “blush” does not me that judgement has been welded into a permanent position in my psyche. just as good science adjusts it theories to fit new evidence, so do i change my mind as the facts come down the pike.
i know about forcing a solution and living in a world where the ends justify whatever means it may take for me to achieve them. i know about laying awake at night trying to figure out the “right thing to do” ignoring the advice and suggestions of those who have come before me. i also know the freedom i get when i let go of being a martyr top the “holy” cause and let the events spin as they will. just for today, that is exactly what i will do, let others worry about what they believe they “must” do, even if it is costing them all the respect and goodwill they may have generated in the local fellowship.

∞ DT ∞