Blog entry for:

as miserable as my life may seem these days, and there are more than a few moments of misery in my daily life, i am grateful that i have found a path that allows me to be more than miserable. there are all sorts of thing going on in my life that i am not thrilled about. i am all over the place with pandemic and election fatigue. the holidays are fast upon me and i am just not feeling the spirit. i may be in first place in my Fantasy Football league, but that has not always been the best position to start the play-offs in, as the first place team has lost in the quarter finals, many times in the past. when all that is piled on to living without a job in the near future, dealing with my aging parents and my normal seasonally affected depression, it is amazing to me, that i can even get out of bed on daily basis, much less stay clean another day.
here si where one might think i say, that i persevere through my FAITH in the POWER that fuels my recovery and the “tools” i have accumulated across the course of my recovery. next one might think i follow that statement up with a list of all the stuff i am grateful for, and <BOOM> like magic i am happily skipping down the road to my next task. i am, fortunately, not wired that way and for me, i have to let go of what i expect my life in recovery to look like and hold on to what it is. the fact is, i may not be “yippy-skippy” happy, but for the most part i am content and willing to do what it takes to get through this day clean. in general, i do not live my life worrying about what tomorrow may bring. in general, i see that i am givens opportunities, each and every day, to achieve my goals, bring my plans to fruition and get what i need. in general, i can see that i have a better life in active recovery, than i could have possibly had, if i continued to use. so i guess that the gratitude list i referred to above.
as cynical and dark as i may be, and i still am one of those who sees the clouds over the horizon, i really am not dissatisfied with living, nor am i going to be running off to one of the legal dope purveyors to “fix” my feelings, just for today. i am going to go to the Rec center an run inside today. i am going to get my work done this morning and chill for a bit, this afternoon. i remember one of the men i used to sponsor, had this as his clean date, and when he lied about using to protect his current obsession, i was not all that surprised. in general, he was never happy with his life. the harder he tried to rearrange things to make himself content, the worse things got for him. it is not my intention to compare my outsides to his, but for me it is an object lesson in where i need to go and what i need to be able to acknowledge. yes there is more than one thing in my life i am not “happy” BUT, just for today, i think i will allow myself to find a bit of contentment and satisfaction, instead of dwelling in the dark places i used to frequent.

∞ DT ∞