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i have the means to do just that -- if i really want to.
and of course that is the catch -- do i really want to trade my current brand of misery for the gifts of self-acceptance, serenity and a chance to be happy? well of course i do! i just do not want to do what is necessary to do that. sometimes the stinky reality of my life is less frightening than the unknown of spiritual growth. after all, what if i do not like the results? there is a chance that i will not be able to get my misery back. sounds more than a little idiotic, does it not? well that is the way my brain works some days, well honestly most days. i hate to admit that i like being miserable, and that i am afraid of change. so the fear of change trumps surrendering my misery to the tools of spiritual growth and guess what the results are for me -- more misery, familiar yes, painful yes but surrendering to fear is the easier, softer way.
what exactly is it that feeds that fear? it is not the evidence of my experience in recovery. every time i have surrendered to change and practice the courage to do so, i have been pleased with the final outcome. what it is for this addict is the pain of change! familiar pain is known quantity that i can deal with most of the time. unknown pain or the perception of unknown pain drives me nuts and so i choose to do nothing, save wallowing in misery, regardless of what anyone says.
today, right here and right now, i want more! less misery and greater freedom from self-obsession. the only way i will achieve that desire is to totally surrender to the process of change that the program that has given me this wonderful new life evokes when i choose to consciously work it! so just for today, i believe i will ask myself to expect less misery and do the footwork i need to do to accomplish that. i am choosing to recover and let the chips fall as they will, just for today!

∞ DT ∞