Blog entry for:

i had grown accustomed to failure, expecting it, accepting it, thinking it was just part of my makeup. so here i am, writing much later than the past few days, thinking about success and how i can have pride in my accomplishments, and still live the principle of humility. i know for me, when i first came to recovery and still to this day, i hear members downplaying or minimizing their successes in life, even staying clean. i catch myself doing the same thing, and i know that somehow, somewhere during the course of my recovery i cane to believe that speaking of any success, and accepting the credit for it, meant that i was living in the character defects of conceit, pride and self-absorption. part of that comes from the fact that i in active addiction i used what i had accomplished, whatever little bit of success i had, as a tool to batter someone else down and make myself feel better. so if that was bad, the converse had to be good -- never mention or take credit for any success in my life.
i am sure that if i read what i have written before, this is territory that i have covered well, and that it would probably be better to launch into a new direction, now that i have the preliminaries out of the way. my struggle in this last growth phase is how to be assertive without being arrogant or hurtful. some might say that i have failed miserably in this pursuit, and that is of course their opinion, to which they are entitled. i, on the other hand, do believe i have made great strides, especially when it comes to accepting the status quo in my relationships. the success here, is that i am learning to let go of those unhealthy relationships that will not change, i am beginning to recognize and accept that what i want, may not be what is coming to me, and if that is the case move on, instead of tolerate the same old sh!t. for me, learning to be true to my values instead of valuing the number of friends i have is an important lesson and one that i feel better about with each passing day. is this success the result of my work, heck yes! no it is not my work alone, there are many factors that have gone into this: my sponsor and his patience and insight, other parties behaving like they always have, and most of all a loving HIGHER POWER that has created within me the desire to be something more. this desire expresses itself in ways far beyond my comprehension, and understanding what is happening is not necessary for me to accept what is happening. my life is full of success stories these days, and the most important one is another day clean -- and one where i have the desire to do whatever it takes to stay clean today.
so on that hopeful note, it is time to pound some pavement!

∞ DT ∞