Blog entry for:

i will share my victories with an **attitude of gratitude.**
okay, take two -- i was in the process of a pithy and succinct analysis of humility and how i could practice it, when all of a sudden an alien swooped down and hit the back button on my mouse and in an instant all of that was consigned to the bit bucket. -- no really, seriously, that is exactly what happened ;)
as ridiculous as that may sound, it is not really that far out, considering what i think about my successes and failures and how i share about them. there seems to be at least two of me when i view myself through the lens of success and failure. there is the braggart, that sees EVERYTHING GOOD in my life as a direct result of my own effort and it is accomplished without any outside interference or help. all that is bad or may be considered a failure is some else''s fault and there are many to blame, just look around at all the incompetent assholes that fill this world. that is the behavior arising from low self-esteem, as that person NEEDS to brag, boast and generally let everyone know how fVcking great he happens to be and get over it, because you will never be good enough. than there is the flip side of that man, orthogonal in every respect, the ills of the world are his fault, and everything that is good in his life is the result of being lucky, connected or just some fluke of fortune. NOTHING created by his own hands is ever good enough and just living is an unbearable burden on the world and the people in it.
as ridiculous as those extremes sound, they are really not too far off the mark for me, at any given time. i have a sponsee who was fond of saying that whenever he shared about being humble, he was not being humble. well i once agreed about that, but times have changed. it is when i brag about or dismiss my humility i have stepped out. i can share about how i succeed or fail today, in a manner that is both accurate and most importantly humble. that is not only possible, but might even be probable today.
which brings me to a slight diversion to finish off this entry. i have a sponsee, who always relapse after about one year clean. i could name names and go into how he does this or that, but that really is not important. the lesson i am trying to impart upon him, but more importantly learning for myself, is that my success in the material world, is a direct result of my success in the spiritual. more importantly, when i am spiritually connected and present for the gifts that the POWER that fuels my recovery is giving me the opportunity to accept, I GET MATERIAL success, in all sorts of different ways. i need not display that success, but i also need not hide it away. all the good things in my life come from efforts to adapt my life to the program of recovery i have been given, the bad? well that my friends is a different story, i will say this though, when i do not succeed, it is more than often my own fault, as i DID not believe i was worthy or capable of getting that form of success, although sometimes it is just the way the croissant crumbles.
speaking of success, the time has come to get moving down the road, i am runnin g behind, but it really does not matter, because today i have FAITH that as long as i am awake for what is happening, i can be successful for living another day clean and in recovery.

∞ DT ∞