Blog entry for:

failure, expecting it, accepting it, thinking it was just part of my makeup. after all, second and third place was all i could ever achieve, so in the end, i had come to the conclusion of it was hardly worth any effort.
living by default, and bemoaning the fact that success was not part of my story, i slid deeper and deeper into the grey existence that was end stage addiction, even though i was still in my 30's. my life was bleak, and the only saving grace, was the chemical vacations i could take throughout my day, as i was very good about living, working and maintaining my life when i was high, which was most of the time.
so when it comes to recovery, i have decided not to settle for second best. just being clean, is not nearly enough for me. as a result, i very rarely think about using, i GET to explore different paths to my spirituality and i am not stuck doing what i do, because i lack the skills or the desire to be anything more. i may have settled for quite a pile sh!t during my life, but no more, i am after all, becoming something more than i ever dreamed was possible.
which brings me to a tangent in the here and now. over the course of the past week, a friend and someone who was once my peer, has been trying to get in touch with me, from the very constrained environment he now finds himself in. i get to pay for the privilege of speaking to him, and he seems to think that he is entitled to that, as he expressed his displeasure at someone else for not falling into the pay to get played trap. i get that. when i was using the world and everyone in it owed me a living. well, paying to be disrespected and abused is not part of who i am today. after my conversation with him yesterday, i felt that even stronger, especially when he tried to call three more times, to get money on his books. well guess what? i am no longer going to fund his comfort, nor will i put more money on my phone to be burned up by him. i worked hard to get where i am in this life. i went to school, while working full-time. i put my time in, in the trenches and it is finally coming to fruition. i do not believe the world owes me anything, and it is time i apprise my friend to the fact that he is entitled to absolutely nothing from me. he has limed this golden egg-laying goose to dear death, and the golden poop shoot is no longer in action. an apology no matter how fVcking sincere, really is not enough for me to drop everything and ask how high once again. i am worth far more than that, and this particular friendship is not worth any more loss of myself-respect, dignity or material possessions.
i have what i have BECAUSE i am clean, for me the PATH TO ANY SORT OF SUCCESS ONLY COMES THROUGH APPLICATION OF THE SPIRITUAL PRINCIPLES THAT I HAVE BEEN TAUGHT. i get that and believe that today. i believe that part of living life in active recovery is the opportunity to try out things and ideas and accept them as part of my life, if the results are to my liking. so with that in m,ind, i think i will start the process of getting to the place that pays me to show up and take care of their stuff.

∞ DT ∞