Blog entry for:

in fact, there are days, when being successful at anything is so scary to me, i do my best to sabotage any chance of succeeding. the reading, or at least what i heard the reading saying to me this morning, was not exactly about success and how i handle it, it was about sharing my successes, and being humble.
the specific snip that stood out for was;“share my victories with an ‘attitude of gratitude’.”
there seems to be an attitude in the rooms i happen to show up in, that sharing about being successful, in any aspect of my life is a BAD thing, and diminishing and minimizing those successes, seems to be a GOOD thing. it seems to me, that this reading is part of the cause of that, in the whole attitude of gratitude gig. of course, i can not take credit for being clean today, or can i? after all, i woke up, realized that i was powerless over my addiction and ask for the power so stay clean today, just like thousands of other addicts in recovery. my first conscious act of my morning was accepting responsibility for my recovery, i did that. not some sort of alien being, not some goody two shoes alter ego, IT WAS ME! i realize in all of that, i NEED the help of the POWER that fuels my recovery to stay clean, nay belay that, i NEED the power that only the POWER that fuels my recovery can provide me, to stay clean today. call this POWER what you will, that is where i GET the power to stay clean, however if i do not ask, and even more, ACCEPT the power that POWER is giving me, i may relapse, so even after asking and receiving, i play a major part in whether or not i will succeed in staying clean today.
each and every day i do this, i gain a bit more experience and i get to be that much more of the man i want to be, i progress along the path to that vision of myself, that was so long hidden and forbidden to me, by active addiction. so in this sense, my recovery is a direct result of my own efforts and my success at staying clean, just for today, stems from my actions, in concert with the POWER that fuels my recovery.
so why is what i just said considered sacrilege, in some circles? could it be, because i acknowledge my contribution and take a little pride in the part i play in my successful recovery today, i may make someone else feel bad? or <GASP> make a newcomer run from the program because they do not like hearing that they are responsible for their own recovery? or is it because pride is often seen as a negative thing, especially when warped by my addiction into all sorts of nasty things, like arrogance and conceit? all of that and much much more, is more than likely going on. i know that for me the so-called sins of arrogance and conceit are part of my makeup. i know that STEPS 6 and 7 will diminish my need to exercise them and quite possibly even remove them from my repertoire of behaviors. here is where the attitude of gratitude kicks in. i was given the program of recovery. i did not willingly accept it, and had to be assimilated into it, bit by bit, against my will, even though my resistance kept me sick far longer than i needed to be. i know that, i accept that and i can move forward from there. once i woke up and discovered where i was, i started to take responsibility for moving forward towards a healthier, happier me. that decision can be rescinded at any time, by that same force, ME. so just for today, i am grateful i was given the opportunity to succeed in my recovery and i will do what i can to foster that success one more day. so off to the streets it is!

∞ DT ∞