Blog entry for:

i expected it, accepted it, and i thought it was just part of my makeup. living clean for a moment and doing my best to implement spiritual principles into my every day life, i look back at my life and wondered why i thought i was so comfortable living in the shadow of failure. of course it could all come down to the disproved method of boiling a frog as a metaphor. as i failed, each failure paved a path to living as a failure and as long as i had something to assuage my “bad” feelings, i could cope. coming to recovery, made me face that awful reality i had created for myself and without the cushion of a little drop of poison, i had to resort to other methods, which soon failed me as well. all that was left was to look at why i was so afraid of moving forward in my life, when i had already accumulated a success or three: i got clean, i began a program of recovery, i had returned to school and was getting all A's. even with all of that going on in my early recovery, lived in a constant fear of all of that being taken away from me by some whim of fate, after all, that is how i told myself the world worked.
i may not succeed at everything i do today and yes i still have a healthy fear of failure, but i no longer accept that as the one and only outcome to my endeavors. unlike the one addict that i am having to deal with lately, i know that it is only through my own efforts and paying attention to what is going on around me, that i have any chance of succeeding. i can play the victim of circumstances, trotting out the same old arguments and justifications about why i am entitled to this or that, but to what end? seriously assuaging my feelings of inadequacy by playing the victim is not something i long to do, for a very long minute. i know that i am an addict and that i am the victim of only myself, most of the time. i tell myself lies to make me feel better, when i have done something knowing full well that i would not care for the consequences.
so it is off to my home group and on to a FIFTH STEP with one of the men who call me their sponse. the addict i have to deal with? well they are getting a reality check today, one piece at a time and i am more than certain they will not like to wake up and smell the coffee, as they have truly fVcked themselves.

∞ DT ∞