Some memes

hesitate to** pat myself on the back?** an interesting question and one that goes to the root of many of my shortcomings: seeking the approval of others, especially my peers. by appearing to be more humble and spiritual than i think i am. i can be arrogant, aloof, conceited and a braggart, that is part of the facts of who i am. when i cam to recovery, i had an inkling that may be the case, and as a result, the behavior i modeled was that of always diminishing my accomplishments, deflecting compliments and minimizing my efforts at this whole recovery gig. i believed for quite some time, that being “humble” meant never, ever taking credit of anything at all. the message that i internalized was that my ginormous ego had to be smashed to pieces and that true humility meant that i was responsible for all the undesirable consequences of my efforts and none of the desirable ones. not only did my HIGHER POWER keep me clean, IT is also responsible for everything else in my life, especially my successes, and i was just some sort of spiritual hitch-hiker caught up in the ITs divine wake. in short everything was my fault and anything good that came into my life was the work of GOD. this swing from the arrogant self-righteous person that walked into the doors of recovery was nearly complete by the time i became a member and started working the steps for my second go around. i could quite blithely blame that other fellowship for instilling such incredibly ignorant nonsense in my impressionable head, and did for a bit of time, once i became a member. what i see today, was those members, my peers in that other fellowship had very little, if anything at all, for my delusional belief system and how i chose to exercise the 6Th and 7Th steps. this little trip down misery lane was my fault for thinking that modeling humble behavior meant diminishing myself at every turn.
i have swung back and forth between these extremes over the course of my recovery, and when i am living in a state of false humility, i can finally see that it comes down to the fact i do not esteem myself and i am seeking approval from others. yes i am judgemental and self-righteous and at times arrogant and aloof, that is who i am and am working on letting go of the defect that drives that behavior. i am also working to find the balance in sharing my successes and lording them over my peers. which ties back directly to my lack of self-esteem. if i accepted myself as i am: flaws and assets aside, i would not need to ride the roller-coaster of ego inflation and i could be truly humble. so here it comes, today i understand that i am a work in progress, and the progress i made, while far from perfection, is certainly worthy of being celebrated today.
as i sat in my service commitment last night, the one thing i wished i had shared more on, a bit more was what my life looks like today, rather than what it took to get me here. once again, i had this notion that saying i was more whole, more honest, more secure and more self-assured than ever before, was bragging, even though it is certainly the truth. in that setting i want me peers, to have HOPE rather than envy, and downplaying who i am, is my attempt to frame and control their emotional reaction to what i am sharing. this teeny tiny a-ha moment, is the result of the work i have done , through the 12 STEPS and the notion of DESIRE that seems to be framing my spiritual path these days, is certainly an interesting lens through which to view my life. just for today, i can just be who i am, and allow others to draw whatever conclusions they may draw from how i carry myself, when i take the time not to “put on airs,” of any sort. and yes, staying clean is a success today, but it does not need to be my only successful endeavor today, and quite honestly it is the POWER that fules my recovery that gives me the power i need to stay clean. from that starting point, i have lost of ways to succeed, just for today.

∞ DT ∞