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and wants me to share with my loved ones the pride i take in my accomplishments.
for me, today anyhow, i am in a place of balance with this topic. success,, has become familiar to me, as well as failure, and my old bugaboo about having to “toot my own horn,&” so i felt equal, has receded into the background noise of all the other feelings and desires i experience in my daily life.
which brings me around to what is on my mind today, how a private social event, could create a divide of haves and have-nots among many of very people, that i depend upon to teach me how to do this. sadly, i have heard from more than one addict, over the course of the past ten days, that they were angry, resentful and felt excluded, because somehow they did not make this “A”-list. well, i too, was not invited, and for me, i could look fro rationalizations and justification as to why i was not, but why should i give away my personal power to something that i am totally powerless over. my esteem is not based on what others think of me, nor is it so fragile that not being a part of something, sends me into a tail-spin of hating and rage. that is not how it always has been, once upon a time, not that very far back in my past, i would have been among the haters, that looked upon not get invited to something as a sign of being excluded. i would have manipulated my way into attending, and if i did attend, i would have lorded that fact over all who did not. “see how great i am and how puny you are!”
gratefully, my need to do that has been diminished and as i walk forward in my recovery, i can help the men who trust me and allow me to be their guide on their recovery journey, to reach a similar place. which brings me to another piece of the puzzle of what i heard this morning.
somehow there is a notion from some of those who are on the margins or recovery, that because a member has clean-time and they do not, that everything they do, the addict on the margin, should be forgiven, instantly by the member with clean-time. it is as if, they get a hall pass, because they are a newcomer or struggling to get and stay clean. i love it when i hear someone saying that because i have so much clean time i should be…! i mean seriously, WTF, all of a sudden i have to be something i am not? break the rules, cross my boundaries, disrespect me, and i am supposed to say: “oh that is okay with me?” where did the notion that significant clean time, coupled with active recovery, is supposed to make me a saint, and where does enabling you to behave badly and supporting you in your struggles to get clean end? if you are in my household, i expect you to respect my stuff and my boundaries. if you continue to trounce that, you can expect to be pout on the street on your skinny white ass, regardless of the situation you have created for yourself. it is not my responsibility, to take care of your sh!t, especially if once again, YOU are suffering the consequences of your own behavior. self-support, means so much more than paying your own way! self-support, at least to me, means that is stand-up for myself, and not get someone to shill for me. it means,i work, i do my best to practice an active program of recovery, i pay my bills and as a result, i have the freedom to go on vacation, to live where i choose to live and be in healthy mutually respectful relationships. i have learned how to give and receive love, be grateful for what others do for me, and allow them the freedom to have their own opinions. does that mean that because you once again, used and are suffering the consequences, i have the obligation to carry you? no the literature speaks very directly to this notion, my job is to carry the message and not carry the fVcking struggling addict. if you find yourself, homeless or incarcerated, again, because you cannot do the next right thing, i have ZERO responsibility to carry your sh!t and stuff around. life is like that, and recovery is no different, i had to learn to be who i was, clean. i had to learn how to have relationships with myself, the POWER that fuels my recovery, my friend and my family and my peers in recovery. you guys taught me that, you also taught me that i am powerless not only over my addiction, but the addiction of other people as well. when i accept that, i am okay, not being included in every little event that happens down the pike. i am okay, because i know i did not cheat, lie or manipulate my way to where i am today. for me, there were no shortcuts that worked and trust me, i tried them all out. so when the temptation to say: “how can you do that with all your clean-time?” happen to cross your mind, think exactly about what your part is. chances are, YOUR behavior, entitlements and expectations are the problem and not how i choose to react to the situation.
To Jamie and Kevin: Congratulations on your marriage, may your journey together be happy, healthy and long-lasting, you certainly both deserve it.
with that, i do believe i will jump in the shower and get on to my next task for today.

∞ DT ∞