¥ when i succeed, as i find myself doing more and more, ¥
Posted: Sat, Mar 2, 2013 07:57:55 AM
i help lay the groundwork for others who follow in my path, by showing them, that they too, can be more than they ever dreamt was possible.
as i sit here this morning, the first thing that comes to mind. is that somehow i am a victim of my own success. ironically, that is how the part of me called addiction plays out these days. back in those early days, i would tell myself i was not worth success, so why even bother. up until my last FOURTH and FIFTH step, that attitude was still inside me, whispering like that whiff of nerve gas, killing me by degrees, but never quite finishing the job. that spiritual poison is so pervasive and pernicious, that even today, i find myself wondering why on earth i am doing all of this, when it would be easier to just curl up and let the world pass my by. learning to share my success and my failures, has been quite the journey and has gone through so many iterations and versions, that today, i can wonder exactly what it is i NEED to share and with whom. what i need to remember, just for today anyhow, i what i have in my life as a result of coming clean, getting clean and staying clean. sure. lots of people who used and even some who used like i did, have great successes in life and become what they always dreamed they would be. for me, however, i am certain that had not events conspired to get me to the rooms and sit my a$$ down here for a few months, all that i have would never have materialized. even today, i am amazed about how far i have come, based on how bad things were on my internal spiritual landscape way back when. anyhow, one form of my success is that i have way too much work to do on the weekends, today is no exception, so i do believe i will sign-off, shower off and get rolling on what promises to be a long day, and if i stay clean today, well than, everything else is just a bonus, after all staying clean, is the most successful thing this addict can do on any day.
as i sit here this morning, the first thing that comes to mind. is that somehow i am a victim of my own success. ironically, that is how the part of me called addiction plays out these days. back in those early days, i would tell myself i was not worth success, so why even bother. up until my last FOURTH and FIFTH step, that attitude was still inside me, whispering like that whiff of nerve gas, killing me by degrees, but never quite finishing the job. that spiritual poison is so pervasive and pernicious, that even today, i find myself wondering why on earth i am doing all of this, when it would be easier to just curl up and let the world pass my by. learning to share my success and my failures, has been quite the journey and has gone through so many iterations and versions, that today, i can wonder exactly what it is i NEED to share and with whom. what i need to remember, just for today anyhow, i what i have in my life as a result of coming clean, getting clean and staying clean. sure. lots of people who used and even some who used like i did, have great successes in life and become what they always dreamed they would be. for me, however, i am certain that had not events conspired to get me to the rooms and sit my a$$ down here for a few months, all that i have would never have materialized. even today, i am amazed about how far i have come, based on how bad things were on my internal spiritual landscape way back when. anyhow, one form of my success is that i have way too much work to do on the weekends, today is no exception, so i do believe i will sign-off, shower off and get rolling on what promises to be a long day, and if i stay clean today, well than, everything else is just a bonus, after all staying clean, is the most successful thing this addict can do on any day.
∞ DT ∞