Blog entry for:

i had grown accustomed to failure, expecting it, accepting it, thinking it was just part of my makeup. although not being able to stop using was not something i counted as among my failures. the wall of denial and the illusion of what was success and what was failure, way back when, is quite a study in living in an alternate universe. although recounting all of that may be good for a giggle or two, or even a tear or three, i hardly feel like dwelling on that this morning. no what i heard was that regardless of how a person, whom i have given suggestions to behaves, i have not failed. in fact, if i stay clean, and i let go of the results of their behavior, i have succeeded in doing something, that eluded me for quite some time.
so i will stop being cryptic right now, and leave that topic for another time. what i feel this morning is a bit of HOPE, that has been eluding me for some time now. yes it is quite true, that as i watched a client drive his business into the ground and start to dry and blow away, it has meant some changes in my lifestyle, things are not as comfortable as they once were, BUT the wolves are not at the door. my success is not necessarily tied to his success or lack thereof. i can be successful, even if i have to go out and seek more work, i was given the gift of a major retainer for almost three years, and now that it is coming to an end, it is time to take what i have learned and sell it in the marketplace. the success is that i can move forward, i can HOPE and i i know that i am better off for the experience, as i have learned so much over the past three years that i am a far more valuable commodity than i once was. my self-worth need not be tied up in the behaviors or failures of other people, and that is a decision i can make on a daily basis, and one that i have avoided making for several weeks now. which means that i have been living in my default state. admit no weakness, put up the best front possible, tie my self-worth to the behaviors of others as in when they succeed it is a reflection on my success, and act as if nothing can possibly be wrong. this morning living in that default world is a sh!tty place, and one that i am choosing to leave behind. no everything is far from perfect in my life, but this morning as i start on a new work-out cycle, i feel HOPE once again. winter will continue for as long as it will continue, i am powerless over that. recovering addicts will use, and some may decide to walk away in shame, i am also powerless over that. i have power over choosing what to take on today, and the apparent failures of others is not something i choose to add to my already full load. IF i can let go of that, i will succeed today, and i feel as if a new page has been turned in my life. so it is time to hit the streets and see where i can take myself this morning, after all the only thing blocking my success today, is ME!

∞ DT ∞