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...one small deception will not make any difference, but someone does know -- i do. the old cash register honesty example, and one of the examples i find the most trivial and without much redeeming value, although i understand the purpose of such examples, there comes a time when i need to look at who i am really deceiving, and what is the real outcome of the deception. it is true, that most of the time it is the store and not the cashier that ends up swallowing the cost of bad change. however, the store does not absorb that loss without consequence, they simply raise their prices to cover this and other losses, so my simple cash register deception has now ended up costing all the customers of that store, including me the next time i go shop there. but the example is just a jumping off point for where i really want top go today. the cost of my deception is more than in the knowledge i did something wrong. every time i ‘get away’ with something, i am giving the part of me i call my addiction on more piece of evidence that i have not got any better. and since i am one of those who is constantly sifting, sorting and weighing the evidence of all sorts of things in my life and my recovery, when this is piled on to the balance, who knows whether or not it will tip the scales towards my deciding that this recovery gig is not working out after all.
however, this sort of dishonesty strikes at me much deeper. part of my behaviors when i was running and gunning, was the ability to justify and rationalize away all sorts of damage to the world around me, deflecting the spotlight of introspection away from my fragile ego. that ego, while not as fragile as before, still it is not capable of withstanding the storm of deception that the lies of rationalizing and justifying will heap upon it. but the biggest reason for learning to live a life without deception is the peace that it brings me, when i live up to my inherent values.
so on that note, i do believe i will hit the streets and pound out the ice cream i just had to have after the meeting last night.

∞ DT ∞