Blog entry for:

once upon a morning dreary, exactly a year ago, i commented on this reading and moved on. being smack dab in the middle of my 11TH STEP and doing my best to resist the changes that needed to be made, for me to survive in recovery, i am sure that what i wrote will not be reflected here today. the fact is, that as i noodle around the edges of my 12TH STEP, i find myself going back time and again to STEP 11. my journey to be true to myself as well as true to the fellowship that has given me my true will back, was one of many steps, twists and a few unexpected turns. i have shared about that extensively, so today i will focus a bit more on what “my own true will,” looks like today.
what would a discussion of wills be like if i did not throw in an example? i have a sponsee, who has been resisting making a huge change in his life for the past two years. he is more than willing to shell out $500 per month, keeping what no longer has any value, safe from the elements. for whatever reason, that is where he is. the point is, that i am the same way, but what the valueless stuff i store, is within me, and is just as draining of my resources. i held on to resentments for over four decades, and the burden of carrying a resentment towards an entire town, was a price i was willing to pay. i fought tooth and nail, to have my cynicism removed, did everything i could to foster a more “positive” outlook on life, and in the end, i had to embrace my cynicism as part of who i am, and allow myself the freedom to react differently than my default set of behaviors. i rail against the members who share the party line, the clichés and always give a “good report,” because they feel false and phony to me, posers if you will,. i do not however have any clue what they are thinking and why they chose to do that. i stereotype and pigeonhole them, because i do not understand the why of them. i want to kick some sponsee a$$, because they are not progressing, and have to restrain myself from doing so, all the time. all of that are current manifestations of my self-will. it is based on desire and want, and not from need, and i am quite sure that if i dove down into what makes all of that tick, i would find self-centered fear. today the reading reminds me that i can pander to my self-will or let STEP 11 take precedence and align myself with the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery.
my own true will for myself today? do the best i can at work. run past my Dad's house on the way to cigars and give him the 15 minutes he needs. allow myself to be free from the garbage of my past and see the world as a bit brighter and bit warmer, than i did yesterday. right here and right now? step out of desire and what i think i need to be, and allow myself to get what i need and be who i am, just for today.

∞ DT ∞