Blog entry for:

my fears, even though both hope and fear ask me to believe in something that has yet to happen. as a huge fan of magical thinking for a very long stretch of my life, i often balk at what feels as if i am once again entering that twilight zone of unreality. i listen to what my peers share and i often wonder if they are somehow deluding themselves with the smoke and mirrors of minimizing reality through an over-application of hope. to find myself hopeful in any situation is certainly as if i am walking a tightrope between seeing what is real and fantasizing about what could be, if only…
as i sat this morning, what kept rising from the depths was a kraken of doubt as to whether or not i truly had any hope in my life at all. it is not as if i walk around in “doom and gloom” mode with some sort of storm cloud surrounding my head, but i do have a tendency to dwell in the house of everything may not be as good as it appears to be. yes, i am more than just a bit cynical, although that is being offset these days by a modicum of optimism. i still find that the whole notion of hope does not fir very well when i take a realistic peek at my life. i do however, see the contradiction in that last statement. if i truly was without hope, why would i make the effort to be more physically fit and do so on a daily basis. i tell myself it is to increase the odds of a better end-of-life for me, one in which i have done everything in my power to stay healthy as my body ages out. without a doubt, that is a symptom of HOPE, as i certainly cannot see where the aging process is going to take me. perhaps it is also a mixture of FEAR, as i see where my parents ended up after they started to be sedentary rather than active. applying the source material to that conundrum, i can see that my hope that exercise and being physically more fit does counter my fear of fading into decrepitude and irrelevance.
with that in mind, it is time for me to do exactly that, get out and get some physical activity into my morning. i have texted all the recovery bros i text every day and cleaned up everything at work. i may be going way out of my routine for today, but i have stuff to do and my usual routine does not allow me to get all of that done, as well as get my work tasks completed. the hope here is that marching to a different drummer this morning, i can combat my fear of not being “good enough” to keep my job. it is a good day to be better than i was yesterday and allow myself to see a way out of the box in which i often put myself, just for today.

∞ DT ∞