Blog entry for:

for nothing has ALWAYS been seen as a good thing for me, even though, now i know that, in the real world, there are truly very things that come without a cost, even recovery has its price.
over the course of the past twenty-four hours, i have been debating whether or not to cut loose all those men who see ma as a Sponsor In Name Only (SINO), starting with the last one who asked me to sponsor him. one might say that there is no cost to saying i am someone's sponsor, when they never call, talk to me, or work the assignments i have strongly suggested that might help them on their path of recovery. being a SINO does however, have its cost, as it prevents me from saying yes to the next person who asks, because i already have “enough” sponsees. it is also a waste of my time, for those infrequent bouts of dealing with whatever “issue” that comes down the pike. as i sat last night and this morning, i decided to allow myself the freedom of doing nothing in this regard and see how it all sorts out. my commitment to my program of recovery, is not the measuring stick i need to use, to gauge the commitment of others, after all, i barely attend three meetings a week. allowing myself the FREEDOM to feel the answer to my conundrum is certainly a good place to be, just for today.
moving on, another sponsee wrote me from his current residence about a bit of behavior he felt guilty about. in his social and living situation, there are more than a few places where one may need to practice dishonesty and slip out of integrity, to keeps oneself from getting hurt. i had that conversation with him, before he made the transition to his current abode and instead of him acting out in self-will, he made a conscious decision to act against a spiritual principle or three. i know it bothered the heck out of him, as he apologized to me.honestly i am truly surprised that it took this long for that situation to develop and i remind him on Sunday that: “snitches get stitches.” this is so unlike self-will run riot and the fact that it bothered him enough to have to apologize to me, is a symptom of his ongoing recovery. man, if i apologized to Carlos for every less than stellar behavior or act in my life, i would be on the phone txting home every twenty minutes.
moving into me, myself and i, i understand what the reading was trying to say, even though “cash register” honesty is such a trivial example, in my opinion. the days of manipulating outcomes and doing “shady” things are long gone for me. no, where i stumble these days is in not necessarily doing the next right thing, because i believe the cost will be too high. i know the cost of manipulation for me, and even when i achieve my goal, i still am left feeling drenched in spiritual manure, as if a “honey wagon” just dropped its load on to me. so instead of outright manipulation to get an outcome i desire, i “fracture” a spiritual principle or three. i am not quite honest, i am lack a bit of commitment or i do not answer my phone. of course in real-time the stories i tell myself to cover my tracks kick in and <BOOM> i am now in full on, self-will run riot, my favorite state of being.
the answer? well not being spiritual guru, the answer is of course in the steps, namely STEPS 10 and 11, where i get to gauge my spiritual fitness, make corrections and feel the next right thing to do. so i may not be suggestion to any of the men i sponsor, that perhaps they need to find a new sponsor, today; i may not be running to my sponsor to confess all my sins; and i will not be beating myself up, for rolling my eyes last night at the meeting, eve though no one saw me do it, but i will be doing a gut check as i return to work and head out to deal with the rest of the world.

∞ DT ∞