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the wolf bigger than it is. that i even acknowledge that i have any FEAR in my life, is a leap forward for this addict. after all, in active addiction i was fVcking fearless and far from risk adverse, except when it came to dealing with people and forming any sort of close relationships. there was no fear there, just a deep understanding that if i let someone in, they were going to hurt me and that certainty colored my world. if i remained aloof and untouchable, well there was nothing to fear as i gave no one the opportunity or ammunition to harm me emotionally. outside of that specific instance, most of my fearlessness came from the medicine jar of the substances i used to deal with the world at hand. if i could medicate myself for long enough, the “wolf” would move on, no matter how big i thought it was. not the most ideal manner in which to live, but my life as in active addiction was all about mere survival.
when i was merely abstinent i started to get a clue or three about what was really going on, and my life became a fear-ridden hell that only retail therapy and over-involvement in service work, seemed to ameliorate. of course i had heard the solution and saw the effect that solution had on those i found in the room of both the fellowships i was a part of, but i was wary of attempting that solution as i feared it could not possible work for someone like me. only the fear of relapse and its consequence drove me to attempt recovery and that fear was the best thing that could have happened to me.
today after a few minutes clean, what i have is a life based on FAITH of the program that fills me with the HOPE, that if i live a program of active recovery today, i will get to wake up and make that same choice tomorrow. that HOPE certainly combats the nasty nest of rational and irrational FEAR, i face on a daily basis. some of that FEAR is about my lack of power over all sorts of sh!t. some of it, is withing my grasp to combat, but it is difficult and may require a bit of effort on my part. most of that FEAR is irrationally based on all the garbage i carry for,m my sixty-six years of tripping around Sol. knowing this and understanding this, makes it possible for me to face what may come my way today and survive, hell, even thrive. i may be aging and i may be doing it gracefully but just for today i will allow HOPE and FAITH to guide me through the pain and FEAR that may come my way.

∞ DT ∞