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and it does make a difference. the question is, is doing something wrong and getting away with it, worth carrying the weight of one more secret wrongdoing. i certainly can rationalize and justify all sorts of nonsense, as that part of me does not seem to have been removed. i know that ability is part of the human condition and as some of my peers would postulate, “GOD-given.” i would have to agree with them on one level, it certainly seems to be part of everyone i meet, however, i am sure that in active addiction i raised it from a troublesome human trait to an art form. i would further postulate that nearly all of my peers in recovery, followed a very similar path. this little bit of mind-dumpery is not about others, i have been far to active in that lately, it needs to focus on me, myself and i.
when i think of the “wills,” self, GOD's, and true, i can get caught up in where the boundaries are. is it the will of the POWER that i get the job i interviewed for last week and the answer just happens to be: “not yet?” is it self-will to put some distance between myself and a peer, just because i “judge” their behaviors to be undesirable? is it my own true will to get my client'site up and running on the latest and greatest version of their software, before making the upgrade to their “live” site? all of those questions and more, swirl in my head on constant basis, as i walk through my day and when i stop to ponder, i get dazed and confused.
which brings me back to the lesson my sponse keeps imparting upon me, learn to “feel” my way to the next right thing to do. i honestly and truly hate that course of action, even though i know that is really the best one for me. for someone, such as myself, sitting still and feeling is the last thing i want to do, dammit all! as i prepare to enter this day, either by driving to the rec center or hitting the damp and cool pavement, i can be sure that IF i allow myself the FREEDOM to feel, i will do the next right thing. if i attempt to force the issue by doing what i WANT to do, i am bound to end-up in a state that i will come to loathe. so just for right now, i think the $5.00 solution is the best one for me to take and see where the rest of the day takes me from there.

∞ DT ∞