Blog entry for:

someone, however, does know - I do, and that DOES make a difference.
way back when, in those dark and dreary days of my early recovery, i used to joke that after about six months clean, god gave me a conscience in my stomach, the reason i used to say that, was when i was consiudering doing something even the slightest bit shady, i would get the feeling in my stomach, just like i did when i was about to get high. you know, that excited, rumbling, “oh my gawd this is going to be great” feeling. so i quickly learned that was a warning that i was beginning to tread off the path that i had chosen and i may certainly come to regret whatever it was i was going to do next. it took a few more set of steps, before i could internalize this whole self-will, true will and will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, concept. even today, there are times when i get totally mixed up about all of this. the good news is: that never lasts for more than 10 or 12 hours as each waking day, for me is bracketed by active participation in steps. STEP 11 in the morning gets me focused for the day, STEP 10 in the evening allows me to reflect on my day, and STEP 3 morning and night, provides me enough humility to live a program of active recovery.
that sick feeling in my stomach still happens from time to time, and i choose to ignore it every now and again. sometimes it is nothing, but most of the time, it is still a warning that i may not like the consequences of the behavior or action i am about to undertake. generally, because the program i have learned to live, my own true will for myself is in alignment with the will few that POWER that fuels my recovery and i have ample warning when i am treading off on the self-will path. there comes a time in every recovering addict's life, that they either get this or they end up using. for me, i resisted this notion, at my peril for the first eighteen months of my recovery journey and it saddens me to see addicts with decades clean falling into that same trap. their examples, are enough the scare the sh!t out of me, and to help me to decide to get back on the straight and narrow path of recovery, where i am at home. i have a sponsee, that is on the fringe, that is getting this lesson over and over again, and yet he still refuses to surrender to the fact that his will for himself is not good and will lead him back to prison for a long fVcking time. all i can do is watch the spin down the toilet happen and hope for a soft landing for him, and remember that could be me as well. his actions,m behaviors and decisions, especially when he thinks he has been getting away with something, mirror mine, and for em the results will more than likely be the same, in and out of legal trouble, a DOC number and the acceptance that the best relationships i can have, will be with the clingiest, least secure hot messes. i will be once again defined by my appearances and how i think i look in the eyes of others, and wonder what the fVck did i do,m to deserve all the misery i am inflicting upon myself.
that need not come true today, as i have choices, and being clean a few days, they are readily apparent to me as well. on those choices is to get up from here, take a shower and head to work, as it is a great day to be more than a dope sick addict. even though i have yet one more visit to see Dr Ron today, i am confident that i will be given everything i NEED to live this day in recovery and stay clean, IF ONLY. I PAY ATTENTION!

∞ DT ∞