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for me, getting away with something feeds the part of me i call addiction. the thrill of hiding my less than stellar stuff under a veneer of spiritual principles, is often too hard to resist. so when this reading pops up every year or so, i get to dive into the whys and the wherefores of my failure to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to remove this **need** from me. it certainly speaks volumes about why i want to be out and about, when everyone is staying in.
living in the locked down world that is the “new normal” is a challenge for me. it is true i developed “cash register” honesty, early in my recovery. i know that getting something for nothing, weighs on my spiritual self, BUT getting away with something, that does not appear to cause harm to anyone but me, still plays a part in my decision-making process, as i am really good at denying that there are actual consequences to myself and those around me. i have heard time and again, that there are always consequences and yet my denial machine feeds into my rationalization and justification machine, popping out all sorts of “why nots.” i want to do what i want to do, full speed ahead and damn the torpedoes.
not a whole lot of HOPE, up until now. having the knowledge and turning in into the wisdom to change what i can, is certainly a path i can take. the rub here, is that i can fall back on a paradigm that once ruled my life: i am powerless over addiction, therefore i am powerless over the behaviors that are still connected to the part of me i call addiction. that certainly was a handy fallback, back in the day and the fact that i can pop that off the stack without any effort at all, indicates that i still use it with regular frequency. i give myself permission to “get away” with something because i can tie it back to addiction. what i felt this morning is that can no longer be a valid mode of thinking and that i do after all, have power over how i behave. as i prepare to go to a meeting this morning, i certainly can be a bit better at doing what i “ought to” and see the rewards, rather than pandering to the part of me i call addiction. something to consider anyhow, just for today.

∞ DT ∞