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...i had finally found a place where i belonged. the question therefor becomes, am i offering that same sense of belonging to newer members?
well before launching into an inventory over my TWELFTH STEP work, i certainly need to pause and reflect about how i have been feeling. these past few days, i have been on an emotional thrill ride, similar in intensity to the one i was on when i first got clean. one minute serene and accepting the next angry and resentful, or even frustrated and full of rage. what i generally attribute such times to, are one of a few things. the first being, i am ready to move forward in my step work and i am unable to for any sort of reasons, be they internal or external. or i am going through a growth phase, into uncharted territory. or i am not living the program i purport to be living, i am slacking in some aspect of my active recovery. well this morning i feel good, and it feels like everything is right in the world, will this last or am i just traveling up that first hill getting ready to start the ride all over again? i do not know, nor do i care at this particular moment in time. i know what is happening, i have a few clues as to why, and anything more will just have to wait. nio i am not denying what i NEED to do, of that i am fairly certain, it will just take time for the external forces to subside so that i can do what is required of me.
so back to the topic at hand, although it took seven months for me to feel like i almost belonged here, and another thirteen before i called this fellowship my home, and as i look back on that time, it amazes me how dense i could be, thinking that this fellowship had nothing to offer me but a social life. considering my thoughts from this vantage point, i can see what kept me on the outs, i did not fit anywhere else, and if i accepted myself here, i would not be able to complete my plan of returning to my old life, as soon as the legal sword was lifted from my head. of course i digress, what is really important here is that when i was finally ready, when i worked through my denial and resistance, the fellowship was here for me, and as they had been doing since the first time i came to a meeting welcoming me with open arms.
okay, what does that mean for me today? not whether or not i am welcomed and accepted but am i welcoming and accepting? honestly, i find myself detached from the parade of newcomers. over the course of time i have learned to protect myself from getting too attached until they demonstrate some stability, my rationalization? that there are more than enough members who "share for the newcomers" or pounce on them with a ferocity equaled only by a tornado. so why do i need to go out of my way? this particular lie is how i distance myself from the fellowship and start the slide into isolation. that new member probably is put off by the extra attention and the cocoon of warm fuzzies that they get from others, i know i was way back when. oh do not get me wrong, i was flattered and what it set-up for me, was scenarios about how i could take these suckers, apparently they have no clue who i am. so i guess what i am getting from the reading, is that i need to move back closer to the parade of newcomers, and at the very least be present and available for when they tire of thew smoke being blown up their a$$ and have to face the reality of life on life’s terms. the HOPE is that is can be a sane voice, that recovery is its own reward and that no matter what, staying clean today is my highest priority. the end result is a much saner and healthier outlook on the world. and who knows maybe i feel better because i did some fake shopping -- buying something then abandoning my shopping cart before i paid for it. i acted out of sanity, while pretending to be insane -- what a concept. it is off to the showers and into the real world for me, but i will leave with this thought, what is the better picture to present to the new guys -- sunshine and flowers or the bed of roses INCLUDING all the thorns?

∞ DT ∞