◊ i will seek to attract others with the same ◊
Posted: Wed, Apr 2, 2014 07:54:50 AM
sense of belonging i have found in the fellowship that has given me this new way of life.
as i sat here this morning, contemplating life, the universe and everything, through the quieting of my mind, i thought back to when i was a newcomer. back in those days, i DID not want to belong here, and i DID everything i could to prove that i did not belong here. like that historical Thomas, i NEED evidence, and i was so adamant about not being here, i went about seeking evidence of how much i did not belong here. ironically, the harder i tried to draw away, by cross-fellowshipping and enumerating how many ways i was afflicted and what i was and was not “addicted” to, i came to see, rather slowly, that i REALLY was an addict and that ONLY this fellowship, would work for me. so i started to drink the Kool-Ade, and here i sit many days later, happy, healthy and securely walking a path of recovery.
how do i tell the newest of the newest, that story, without sounding fake? after all, there are very few members left in the fellowship, that actually saw me, way back when. even when they do remember how i was, time fades memories, and my behaviors and actions across the course of my journey, alters the memory of those early days even more. i am even subject to revising my own history. what bi once viewed as healthy skepticism, i now see as stubborn willfulness and denial. i often wonder what my life would have been like, had i just came in and been one with the program, struck clean as it was, and never questioned or struggled with recovery and the fact that i am an addict. as i cannot time travel, any speculation in that matter will have do wait for a different opportunity, as today i live in the here and now. and here and now, it certainly is past time for me to hop into the shower and get rolling on over to work. i am grateful that the attraction i felt from this program finally overwhelmed the revulsion i felt at declaring myself an addict. trust me, even though i self-identified as an addict in front of the judge, i did so ONLY to get the easier softer way and was thought i was telling on fVcking big lie, after all…
as i sat here this morning, contemplating life, the universe and everything, through the quieting of my mind, i thought back to when i was a newcomer. back in those days, i DID not want to belong here, and i DID everything i could to prove that i did not belong here. like that historical Thomas, i NEED evidence, and i was so adamant about not being here, i went about seeking evidence of how much i did not belong here. ironically, the harder i tried to draw away, by cross-fellowshipping and enumerating how many ways i was afflicted and what i was and was not “addicted” to, i came to see, rather slowly, that i REALLY was an addict and that ONLY this fellowship, would work for me. so i started to drink the Kool-Ade, and here i sit many days later, happy, healthy and securely walking a path of recovery.
how do i tell the newest of the newest, that story, without sounding fake? after all, there are very few members left in the fellowship, that actually saw me, way back when. even when they do remember how i was, time fades memories, and my behaviors and actions across the course of my journey, alters the memory of those early days even more. i am even subject to revising my own history. what bi once viewed as healthy skepticism, i now see as stubborn willfulness and denial. i often wonder what my life would have been like, had i just came in and been one with the program, struck clean as it was, and never questioned or struggled with recovery and the fact that i am an addict. as i cannot time travel, any speculation in that matter will have do wait for a different opportunity, as today i live in the here and now. and here and now, it certainly is past time for me to hop into the shower and get rolling on over to work. i am grateful that the attraction i felt from this program finally overwhelmed the revulsion i felt at declaring myself an addict. trust me, even though i self-identified as an addict in front of the judge, i did so ONLY to get the easier softer way and was thought i was telling on fVcking big lie, after all…
∞ DT ∞