Blog entry for:

where i belong, was not what i had in mind, way back when i got clean. that is a very long story and one i have told more than once. today, i am grateful that i found a way to become part of this fellowship, even if it was because i had the desire to look like everyone else and slide past the fact i considered myself to be broken. my experience, such as it is, does provide a unique look at what i perceived through the filters of my own dishonesty, unwillingness and closed-mindedness. i freely offer that experience and it is sad that i have two men, who once consider me their sponsor, twisting in the wind of indecision and bewilderment. attraction, as in seeing something i wanted, brought me to a place where i could actually learn how to live and be okay with not knowing the outcome of every little thing in my life. it has given a support group, that i rely on, in times like these, as i watch my Dad, fade to black in the comfort of his own home.
today, as i sit in the comfort of my own home, convincing myself that i “need” need a bit of punishment, to deal with the stress of what is going on, i see that for the lie it is. i might not be ready to totally let go of that need, but i see that holding on to it, will certainly not make anything any better. what i am getting a sense of these days, is mortality and how that process may end-up playing out in my own life. today, as i work from my parent's home and take care of them, i know that being alone and unloved is not where i want to go.
the decades of “hiding” in plain sight, has certainly had quite an effect on me. sharing my deepest and darkest secret with my sponse and my spouse, has set off a chain reaction that feels as if i am being torn apart and being reconstructed as something i cannot predict or control. i am quite certain that the events of the past year drove me to a place that made my life intolerable, such as it was. it was not my first experience with a growing unease of being something i was not. it may not be the most dramatic of the change process i have endured. it is and seems it will continue to be one that will define how i handle all that i need to handle in my life today and in the near future. care-giving is not my strong suit. making decisions for others was something i gave up quite a while ago, and yet, here i am again. as i walk though this day, i will be aware of what it is i am feeling and remember that i can stop punishing myself, any time. just for today.

∞ DT ∞