¢ the public image of the fellowship that PROVIDES ME A NEW WAY OF LIVING is ¢
Posted: Sat, Apr 2, 2011 08:25:37 AM
a successful, proven way of maintaining a drug-free lifestyle! alright i am up way too early this saturday morning, and although i think i may regret this front loaded day later, right now my plan is to take advantage of the minutes i have and get moving.
as i sat and pondered what the reading said, literally, and listened for what i heard, figuratively, they seemed to be in very close alignment. namely am i taking my responsibility of attraction seriously? it is my job to be an attractive member of the fellowship, and i do not mean physically attractive, i mean, spiritually attractive, warm and welcoming. it is true, that i tire of the seemingly endless parade of newcomers in and out of the doors of our fellowship. as a result, i do find myself withdrawing from that hustle and bustle, patiently waiting for those who seem to “GET IT.”
this detachment was something i learned in active recovery, and the echoes of that behavior still ring across my spiritual landscape. the exact same reasons that i emotionally detached myself from the people in the world around me, back in the day, are still the same ones i use to detach myself from the newcomers as they walk into the rooms. after all, if i do not become attached, they cannot hurt me, and addicts coming out of active addiction do not know any better than hurting others. quite the juice piece of rationalization there. now that i have said it, i can no longer sweep it under the carpet, as much as i would like to. it does not fit into my current view of who i am, and can i really be that wrong about who i see myself as these days? the answer is of course i can and often wrong about who i am. it has been said that addicts are complex people, but my experience is that i am not really that complex. when i shovel away the bullsh!t of rationalization, justifications and spin, it always comes down to three maybe four different motives for what i do. most of the time it is FEAR, and the particular FEAR that drives this behavior is the FEAR of being rejected. instead of putting myself out there, i watch from the corners, safe in the shadows, perhaps a little sad at once again succumbing to my fear, but confident that i cannot be hurt.
so it goes, once more the past rules my present, and what i hear underneath it all, is that i DO have a choice today, all i have to do is let go, and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to take care of me, just for today. so with this bit of extra time this morning i think i will get moving on to my next task du jour, as it is. it is after all a great day to be celan.
as i sat and pondered what the reading said, literally, and listened for what i heard, figuratively, they seemed to be in very close alignment. namely am i taking my responsibility of attraction seriously? it is my job to be an attractive member of the fellowship, and i do not mean physically attractive, i mean, spiritually attractive, warm and welcoming. it is true, that i tire of the seemingly endless parade of newcomers in and out of the doors of our fellowship. as a result, i do find myself withdrawing from that hustle and bustle, patiently waiting for those who seem to “GET IT.”
this detachment was something i learned in active recovery, and the echoes of that behavior still ring across my spiritual landscape. the exact same reasons that i emotionally detached myself from the people in the world around me, back in the day, are still the same ones i use to detach myself from the newcomers as they walk into the rooms. after all, if i do not become attached, they cannot hurt me, and addicts coming out of active addiction do not know any better than hurting others. quite the juice piece of rationalization there. now that i have said it, i can no longer sweep it under the carpet, as much as i would like to. it does not fit into my current view of who i am, and can i really be that wrong about who i see myself as these days? the answer is of course i can and often wrong about who i am. it has been said that addicts are complex people, but my experience is that i am not really that complex. when i shovel away the bullsh!t of rationalization, justifications and spin, it always comes down to three maybe four different motives for what i do. most of the time it is FEAR, and the particular FEAR that drives this behavior is the FEAR of being rejected. instead of putting myself out there, i watch from the corners, safe in the shadows, perhaps a little sad at once again succumbing to my fear, but confident that i cannot be hurt.
so it goes, once more the past rules my present, and what i hear underneath it all, is that i DO have a choice today, all i have to do is let go, and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to take care of me, just for today. so with this bit of extra time this morning i think i will get moving on to my next task du jour, as it is. it is after all a great day to be celan.
∞ DT ∞