Blog entry for:

and proven manner of living, free from active addiction. as i was driving over to Boulder yesterday to take my suit pants in to be re-tailored to fit my post-COVID body, i got to have a conversation with one of my closest friends in recovery, i was struck by how ironic it was that we even got to be friends. using the words of my peers, it is a miracle that either one of us got clean and stayed clean, for any period of time. beyond the sad fact of life that very few addicts ever find the ways and means to live a life that is not ruled by the need to get high, neither one of us were exactly a poster child for the fellowship that became our home. i came in on a court card and he came in pissed off at everyone, everything and the world in general. when i first met him, he did his best to keep from being a part of, he arrived late, puked out his share and left early. i followed after him once, on his way back to work, for reasons far beyond my ken and talked to him, in a calm and rational manner. i never preached the program at him, something i was well-known to do, nor did i beat him up with tracts form our literature, another behavior that i can lay claim to. he actually stopped, listened to what i had to say and engaged me in a bit of conversation. i was clueless as to what effect i may have had, but over time we became close friends, as he and i, kept coming back.
so what does my story that started out on yesterday afternoon and ended up a long, long time ago, have to do with what i heard this morning? i never actually believed i was an attractive member of the fellowship, in fact i have been told more than once that i look and sound “intimidating” from a distance. despite that fact, i have several men who trust me to sponsor then and a few that have actually become my friends. perhaps i have softened over the years into a more attractive version of myself, or i have stopped acting as if i really did not want to be here and that recovery was something i tolerated until something better came along. i may say i am clean, just for today, but i am truly committed to long-term recovery, perhaps even the rest of my life. SHHHHH, don't say anything, i would hate to ruin my carefully crafted, crusty reputation.
as i bounce into my morning, i feel more than a bit of gratitude for those who have brought me into their lives. i feel much closer and certainly more intimate with many of them, than i do with most of my family members. i do not say that out of self-pity or because i do not have close relationships with my family, i say it because they do not understand what living free from active addiction means and how it binds me to others who living clean, as well. so it is off to Boulder to be with my “brothers” in recovery.

∞ DT ∞