Blog entry for:

with the gift of my time? certainly a valid question, as i have been one of those who stayed in the second row, as i watched the parade of newcomers flow in and out of the doors of the rooms. that strategy, while effective in keeping from over-committing, no longer seems to fit, and now i may have painted myself into a corner with the men i sponsor, or at the me who call me their sponsor. i am not in panic mode yet, but there is something in my belief system that needs to be revisited, and that is the notion that the POWER that fuels my recovery, will present me just the correct number of sponsees at any given time, so i can walk in FAITH and NEVER say to no, to such requests. the question that is coming to the top of the stack is whether or not having many sponsees is actually the path to becoming the man i have always wanted to be, or just another fix for low self-esteem and the path back to becoming a victim of “recovery?”
becoming part of the front row and reaching out to the newest members is a role i take responsibility for today. i have yet to be part of the crowd that flocks to them, but i do reach out quietly and firmly when i sense the opportunity. my take on the whole notion comes down to a superstitious understanding: if i do not share in meetings or hang with them after the meeting i am not going to have to answer the question whether or not i can sponsor them. as ironic as that may seem, it certainly has been weighing heavily on my mind, as a course of action. it is true, when i separated myself and maintained my aloof and unapproachable self, i had fewer people in my life. my peers kept their distance and the FNGs followed their example. this whole set of steps has removed a desire to be apart form my peers and has opened my eyes to how much i really missed, even though i was outside of the drama, i also missed the joy and connection to those i share my recovery with, in the rooms and those who have moved along. what i am seeing is this need not be a binary,. yes or no, course of action. i am an extremist in many aspects of my life. when i uncovered my co-dependence, i became dependent on on one. when i uncovered my selfish, self-centered behaviors, i quickly became a doormat and garbage can, for the shite others pitched towards me. so i am quite certain that the answer lies somewhere in between aloofness and never being able to say no. i hate allowing myself to be a victim, or at least see myself that way, when in reality, i have volunteered to take on all that i have in my life today.
i know this today: i am a\\n example that one can stay clean for long periods of time and move beyond the most obvious indications of active addiction. as such, i have a responsibility to my peers and my fellowship to be a part of the community, and not just a casual observer or tourist. i have a responsibility to me, to take on what i can handle and learn to say no, when it is appropriate, without rejecting the principles i hold dear. all in all, just another day clean and certainly a step into beginning to see what may be coming down the road, as it has been often said: i am right where i am supposed to be, and that may feel sucky, but it is the truth. time to move along and see if i can accomplish something today, while i am on lock-down. it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞