Blog entry for:

i attract newer members to this manner of living, just as i was once attracted to recovery. well almost, i was far from attracted to recovery, as i have often said in the past. once more for anyone who has not been reading these entries for very long, i WAS SENTENCED to recovery, and attraction only came after my rage, anger and disgust with what i saw were weak, superstitious and feeble people finally faded. yes, i hated being here, after all, i WAS not an addict, nor did i have a drug problem, my problem was the justice system pinning something on me, that i really had very little to do with. i mean seriously where the fVCK was my justice?
not a whole lot euphoric recall there, in fact, just thinking about those days, i could feel the anger rising again, EVEN THOUGH, today i am glad that i am in recovery and not using anything, just for today. yes i am a card carrying member of the weak, superstitious and feeble people that comprise this fellowship. today i have FAITH. today i am POWERLESS. to today i have ceased to fight addiction, and today i am more than i ever dreamed i could possibly be. the irony here is just so delicious! after all, how could someone like me, turn into someone like me? well…
when i finally decided that the only way my legal troubles were going to go away was to not use no matter what, and accepted that this was the best place for me to live some sort of life without using, then and only then, did the world start to expand for me. yes, disqualifying myself, time and again, did nothing for me. working to find the loopholes and then diving through them, kept me sick. living my life, just for today, secure in the principles of the program, on the other hand creates the sort of me that i can actually like and yes even respect today. amazing how not stealing, lying or trying to get mine, makes me feel as a human being. it provides just enough HOPE that i can be an attraction to this life style and not a detraction. it fills me with joy to have the newcomer want to talk to me, rather than walk away. most importantly, as i have seen from those who have decades clean, sometimes being the loudest, brashest and all-knowing are not the ways to attract others, in fact living the program attracts far more than telling everyone within earshot that i am living a program.
however time marches on, so i guess i will sign-off by saying that maybe today, my actions will be just what the FNG, needs to see, to stay clean today.

∞ DT ∞