Blog entry for:

was not what attracted me to the fellowship and a life based on the principles of recovery. that sense, however is what keeps me coming back, Groucho Marx quotes aside, i am grateful to be a member of the No Matter What Club, because they accepted exactly the way i was and still accept me today, even though i have been a bit angry in my shares lately. i am, as i have been often saying, not handling the state of world affairs, very well. the stuff i find to distract me, is not working and i seem to be simmering with anger about how powerless i am and how little i am able to control. on top of having to be a shut-in with a **house guest** who i am more than ready to evict and all the meetings i used to attend being shut down, my Mom is once again in the hospital, after coming home on Sunday. ARGHHHHH! 😬
whew, ii usually would have apologized for puking, but this addict, just for today anyhow, is dealing with his FEAR and angst, by transforming it into anger. that may not be one of the most healthy means for me to deal, and i know that playing the “rock” for my family and those in my circle of peers, is making things more than a little bit worse. running off to the empty office seems like a solution, i will have alone time, get to rebel and be out and about for several hours. yes i said “seems” like and for once in quite some time, that first thought just may be wrong. after a minute of contemplation, i think i will step up Face Everything And Recover, owning that i do not have all the answers, letting my actual emotional state be seen by those who care and put on my rain gear and traipse the neighborhood, before the drizzle freezes on the sidewalks.
as i carefully trod where no one is treading before me this morning, i will remember that although i do not “deserve” to be happy, nor am i “entitled” to a life free from strife and turmoil, i do have my own rock to cling to. that rock? the fellowship that keeps telling me to come back and accepts me as i am and the POWER that fuels my recovery. with that in mind, it is time to allow myself the freedom to get a bit sweaty and out of breath.

∞ DT ∞