Blog entry for:

sure, the drugs were causing me problems, and i wanted to be rid of the problems, but i did not want to stop getting high.
an interesting entry into the reading this morning, and as i go back a year to see what headlines i have used in the past, i discovered an event that started an entire chain of events that led to quite a spurt in personal growth. well uncovered would be a more apt description, as i knew it was there, i had simply filed it deep into the seldom visited recesses of my brain. of course, reading that entry, and then i had to back track and read what came before, opened up all those feelings again. my first reaction, was to launch into tirade. so after a bit of breathing and pausing for a few seconds, the feelings did pass, an i have become a bit more objective now.
that event, when taken in the context of my growth over the past year, shows me, that what i thought i knew about myself was just the tip of the iceberg. underneath the apparent calm surface, were the jagged edges of unresolved feelings, lurking, just waiting to pounce out and attack any perceived threat to my well-being. so when the chance came, i started to take it.
well you know what? i may still have those feelings, especially when revisiting the past. i may still be hard-wired to spring into attack mode. BUT if the past year is any indication, as i grow, i feel the need to complete my pounce less and less.
this morning, as i return back to a rational person, i am sad that it took what it took over the past year to get where i am now. yes it would have been wonderful, if i could have gone down a slightly different path. and yes it would have been wonderful to have everything the same as it ever was. the honest truth is, that within me, the pressure was building to explode or change, and navigating through releasing that pressure has been at best a tricky proposition. i see now what i was incapable of seeing a year ago, that it is i that needs to continue the change process, and that it is me who places far too much weight on the informed or uninformed opinions of others and it is i who needs to find solace within himself, that i am growing, that i am worthy of my respect and that i am worth doing something of service for, every single day.
so anyhow, pone of those things is to go make a circuit of the neighborhood -- so off to the streets i go.
BUT before i go, it is a good thing that i am growing, there are far too many examples of members who have stopped, and seeing what they have become is object lesson enough for me.

∞ DT ∞