Blog entry for:

with the help of the POWER that fuels my recovery, i am free not to act out my feelings. as i sit here on the bus, way late in getting this started, i am struck by the whole notion of negative and positive feelings. i have come a long way in my recovery and have learned that feelings are neither positive or negative, it is what i do with them that is.
part of what i learned in active addiction was that all feelings were to be medicated away or swallowed. any feelings caused me to react in an unpredictable manner and even though i loved chaos, i was supposed to be a rock and an island, impervious to the slings and arrows that life sent my way. the steps and the recovery process, continue to teach me that behavior is part of the problem and not the solution. when i allow myself to feel and yes make a human mistake or three, even in the span of a few minutes, that i am worth being forgiven, especially by myself, my harshest and cruelest critic. there are negative impulses that arise from my feelings, and removing the automatic knee-jerk reactions, is what this program has been teaching me, day in and day out.
do i want to be sick? for someone who had trouble admitting that he even had the slightest problem that is a meritorious question. the answer, simply put, is of course not BUT…
there always is a but in my head, a quick argument, justification and rationalization and that my friends is the spooky part. amazing how quickly i fall back on the buttress of the arguments that allowed me to survive my active addiction. today, i no longer need to do so, and although i am concerned about what this day will bring at work, i am also hopeful that i can live up to the challenge and thrive, after all, i am not doing this gig by myself.

∞ DT ∞