Blog entry for:

do me no harm unless i CHOOSE to act on them and act on them i have! last night, as i had some time alone with my life partner, i finally had the opportunity to express what i have been feeling about what feels like our **permanent** house guest. my spouse may not agree with what i see, and that is okay with me, but she does know the frustration i have been feeling about the **intruder** into our lives. i finally worked up the **nerve** to offer my opinion and observations. that discussion allowed me the freedom to not have to act-out or spin down into my passive-aggressive reaction to the disrespect, dishonesty and manipulative behavior i have been seeing. in a way, being “locked down” was helpful, as i would have been able to avoid this conversation, had i been able to be out and about every single day. yes, when i was going to work every morning and hanging with my friends and peers, outside of my home, i had enough “space” to avoid having to deal with and talk about what i was feeling, with the person i most needed to bring into my internal landscape.
this morning as i “sat” for far longer than i had planned, it came to me that sympathy had been replaced by pity and finally replaced by frustration and anger, which has led to all sorts of less than stellar behavior, starting with cutting our “guest” from their overly-obsessive use of the internet. it is true, when i took action, their consumption of bandwidth was limiting my ability to work from home. using that as an excuse, i can my actions were a tit-for-tat reaction that did not have the results i was looking for, namely them stepping up and starting to take some responsibility for their life. of course, that meant i had to step up the consequences for them, to “force” into wanting to do something to move along. they did, to watching streaming TV for hours and days on end. which, of course, presented all sorts of new ways for me to release the pressure inside of me, by acting out.
the situation in my household has not changed one iota. i still have the desire to “run away” and find some place other than home to hang out. i am tired of having to look into the mirror of what i once was and would love to return to, living in a bubble world of fantasy, self-interest and entitlement, blaming everything i am, on my past. i am very familiar with blame-shifting, playing the martyred victim and having to be the center of attention. this morning, as i prepare to trod the concrete and get some miles under my belt, i have the DESIRE to be a bit more tolerant and accept what is the current state of my life and the world as it affects me. going to a meeting almost every day and pushing myself to stop doing the stuff i have been doing as a reaction to what i have been feeling, is certainly a noble goal, just for today.

∞ DT ∞