Blog entry for:

to realize they can do me no harm unless i act on them. so i got a call from an addict who is in detox last night. they were hurting, physically as well as emotionally. however all they could feel was the physical pain of withdrawal, and they were ready to throw in the towel and leave to get high. i do not know if anything i said last night kept them in that safe place to complete the process, but i do know that i felt grateful, that i was not the one, having to go through withdrawals. the real deal is, that IF i learn to deal with the stuff i was clueless about when i came to recovery, i EVER will have to go through withdrawals again. it was what i told them last night and although the whole this too shall pass, sounds so trite and empty, it is exactly what i NEEDED to say last night, because i DO BELIEVE in this whole recovery process.
which is the long way around to what heard this morning, as i allowed myself to connect to the flow of what is going on inside and outside of me. it is certainly true, that feelings were one of the things that made my active addiction so attractive. no not feelings, silly, the ability to not feel anything! i became adept over the years, of detecting, and diverting the existence of feelings long before they were manifest. in fact, i would often launch a preemptive strike as it were, when i knew a situation had the possibility, no matter how remote, of triggering feelings. as bland and gray as that made my emotional and spiritual world, it was the one i relished and took great pains to remain within, after all, no feelings was so much better than the emotional roller coaster ride. sitting here this morning, in thee comfort of my own house, with the cushion of thousands of days in a row clean, i get what feelings are all about. that does not mean i still enjoy them, or long for a simpler easier time, when i did not have to feel them, much less decide on how i was going to act as a result of feeling something pleasant or unpleasant. the whole gig of having feelings, and doing something as i feel them or as a result of having them, is way too complicated some days. on those days, it is my default behaviors that kick in and the next thing i know, i am having to admit how wrong i am, once again, DANG IT!
the reading certainly suggests, the easier softer way, short of actually using, to deal with this. in the context of STEPS 6 and 7, it makes so much sense that i am still amazed by its elegant simplicity. i may not be able to control what and how i feel something, i may not be able to control, what behaviors come screaming to the surface. I CAN CONTROL whether or not i CHOOSE to act upon them, or act-out as we say in the fellowship vernacular. which is exactly what the reading spoke to me about this morning. will the addict going through withdrawals remain in a safe place and finish the process? i do not know. what i feel is that if they choose to, this experience may be the driving force in their new life in recovery. after all, as bad as it is for them, they will have plenty of reminders of why using is not such a good choice as they progress down the road of recovery. as for me? well the time has come to make a quick trip around the neighborhood and get cracking on some work i want to get done today. feelings, shmeelings, i need to get moving!

∞ DT ∞