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there are a couple of directions i can go today. the one i am going to choose to follow, lies down the path of what i hear my peers saying and is in line with what the reading spoke to me about.
i often hear in meetings and when talking with my peers, that they act this way or that because they “want to change the way they are feeling.” i cannot speak for them, but for me, that is such a fVcking cop-out, that it makes me laugh when i realize how often and for how long i have said and sincerely meant that exact same notion. when i go there, it cheapens my existence in recovery and certainly is dismissive of who and what i was when i came to the rooms. for me and only me, getting high was more than just changing the way i felt, although i certainly did enjoy that side-effect. getting high was part of my, body and soul, and allowed me to be something i was not, genuine, whole and self-assured, or at least have the illusion that was who i became when i got high. the story of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, is certainly an apt one, as when i was high, i had very few inhibitions and i cared very little what others thought of me, it was all, about me doing whatever the fVck i wanted to do. when the crutch of chemical courage was removed, i was a basket case, and once i decided not to get high at least for the next eighteen months, the crunching waves of emotion that i felt, certainly did drive me to the desire to change the way i felt. acting out became a way of life, as i tried to fit in and feel comfortable in a suit of skin that felt far too tight and rubbed in the wrong way constantly.
when i finally accepted the fact that i was an addict and that i had to rely on my peers and the program, things began to change, slowly and oh so incrementally and when i actually wanted to recover, the path was laid before me.
when i arrived at the doorstep of this set of steps, i was still under the belief that i was ruled by my emotions, feelings and my reactions to them. acting out was still my way of changing the way i felt, and that was that. yes, i had adopted the mantra of many of my peers. part of what i have learned across this set of steps, is that acting out is not necessarily about changing the way i feel, but rather chasing a very specific feeling, much as i used substances to feel exactly as i wanted to. i am certain you know the mantra, there is this to sleep, there is this to get up and dance, there is this to mellow out, and there is this to just hang with my homies. choosing from what i wanted to feel and then picking a behavior, familiar or brand new, from my pharmacopoeia of behaviors was just reliving the days of active addiction. it was conceding to my innermost self that i was an addict, but there were conditions on my recovery, and whole areas of my life that i reserved to take care of myself. i could handle my feelings and what i did with them myself and if i did not “like” this feeling or that, well i could fix that with just a behavior or two.
sitting here today, i see that as i learned to take the value judgements out of what i was feeling, i may not have gained any additional power over those feelings, but i was learning to allow myself to feel them. when i felt them, unpleasant or not, i could surrender them into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery and choose what to do next. it is that POWER that allows me the freedom to feel and remove the automatic reaction to those feelings. it is also that POWER and my spiritual path, that allows me to see that my feelings are important indicators of what is happening in the here and now, and that they need to be heeded not changed.
i no longer need to be resigned to the fact that i will feel, and often those feelings will be inconvenient and my default action is to do something, anything to get them to pass as quickly as possible. has “acting out” been removed form my life? not by a long shot, but at least, just for today, i have just enough understanding of what is happening that i can CHOOSE to act out and understand what the consequences may be. yes just for today i can make an informed decision and it may not necessarily be because i do not “like” the way i am feeling.

∞ DT ∞