๐ not willing ๐
Posted: Tue, Apr 9, 2019 11:35:34 AM
to pay the price, for acting out, seems like a good reason not to act out. the question therefore becomes, is i really unwilling to pay that price, or do i think i could **get away** with something, after all risk-taking is certainly part and parcel of who i am. i see risk-taking as one of the behaviors i do to **act out** and i am still quite thrilled when i actually get away with something. the calculus of whether or not i am willing to pay the price??
today, would be a great day to act-out as i am working on very little sleep, have all sorts of petty frustrations with the insurance company that is doing their best to get me to hire a Personal Injury lawyer, a job offer or not that i have been waiting for three weeks to come and just life on life's terms. nothing seems to be moving as i want it to and when i get into this state, i could allow the THIRD STEP to do its magic, i could manipulate the situation to get what i want, at least on some level, or i can rail against the injustice of it all and engage in a bit of risky behavior to change the way i am feeling.
choices, choices, choices! some of them are actually healthy and the three i listed above could be combined in all sorts of combinations just to see what would happen, i was after all, a combination user, little bit of this and a little bit of that, until i got things just right, not unlike the blonde girl in who engaged in breaking and entering into the residence of three ursine characters. yes i do have the ability to do that, mix and match various ways to change how i feel, or i can take a cue from my heart and just have a bit of FAITH, that the POWER that fuels my recovery, no matter what it looks like or is, will care for my will and my life and just let go.
yes that feels like the next right thing to do, so just for today, or at least for right now, the time to pause, and allow myself to feel that POWER is upon me.
today, would be a great day to act-out as i am working on very little sleep, have all sorts of petty frustrations with the insurance company that is doing their best to get me to hire a Personal Injury lawyer, a job offer or not that i have been waiting for three weeks to come and just life on life's terms. nothing seems to be moving as i want it to and when i get into this state, i could allow the THIRD STEP to do its magic, i could manipulate the situation to get what i want, at least on some level, or i can rail against the injustice of it all and engage in a bit of risky behavior to change the way i am feeling.
choices, choices, choices! some of them are actually healthy and the three i listed above could be combined in all sorts of combinations just to see what would happen, i was after all, a combination user, little bit of this and a little bit of that, until i got things just right, not unlike the blonde girl in who engaged in breaking and entering into the residence of three ursine characters. yes i do have the ability to do that, mix and match various ways to change how i feel, or i can take a cue from my heart and just have a bit of FAITH, that the POWER that fuels my recovery, no matter what it looks like or is, will care for my will and my life and just let go.
yes that feels like the next right thing to do, so just for today, or at least for right now, the time to pause, and allow myself to feel that POWER is upon me.
∞ DT ∞