Blog entry for:

to experience my feelings and realize that feelings can do me no harm unless i CHOOSE to act on them. i am also beginning to realize that setting boundaries with those who are oblivious to the plight of others, is a frustrating exercise, no matter how healthy they may be. life in my skin, these days, is interesting. i get the notion that i am moving in the correct direction, no matter how strong the head winds. i have a job that is challenging and is not kicking my butt, but fills my days with minor hurdles to get past. i have a Mom who has just got of rehab and is “tired” of everyone telling her what to do, no matter how correct they happen to be. i have a hamstring that just will not heal, even when i am not running. and i still have not received a check or denial from the unemployment. all of those events, are certainly worth taking a twenty minute “vacation” from reality. i also know that no matter how tempting that little foray into better living through chemistry may seem, the harm it would cause me is a price i am unwilling to pay.
one of the best things about living a program of active recovery, is just for today, i have choices. i can choose to act out, even when i know i will not find the consequences of doing so, to my liking. i can choose to run and hide and spend my day in bed with the covers pulled over my head, cowering in fear about life in twenty-twenty-two. i can choose to engage in all sorts of unhealthy behaviors in an attempt to make myself feel “better.” most importantly, i can choose to leave that all behind and face the day as a person that lives a program of recovery, doing the best he can to navigate through what life presents. if i choose that respite fro reality, i will more than likely lose the ability to choose to live clean. it may not happen with that first toke, but i have seen the process in others, who have had long-term recovery and decided that “just this once” would do no harm. since i still have choice, i choose to live another day clean and continue the process that allows me the FREEDOM to have even more choice.
no matter how i choose to slice and dice it, my life is far from simple today. i know that what i want and what i need may seem to be the same, but are not. i need a POWER that fuels my recovery and a program, that allows me the FREEDOM to live my life as i choose. i want dump-truck full of money so i can live my life anywhere and anyhow i choose to. i am content with the former, although the latter would be quite nice as well, just for today. 😉 😉

∞ DT ∞