Blog entry for:

realize they can do me no harm unless i act on them.
okay, this morning, when i read this entry, i was taken back to the days of yore when feelings were something i was ill-equipped to deal with and i seemed to lack any control over how i reacted to them. that was yesterday, no really i was exhausted and everything was a struggle. that passed as i got a great night's sleep last night and when i look back over yesterday, i really did much better than i believed i did. which only goes to show, that the reading was spot on for me.
leaving way too early this morning, was part of my plan. i knew the weather would bring out the worst in me, and my frustration level with the other motorists would rise to the point that my blood pressure would be off the scale. yes i planned a feeling, or actually acted in a manner that prevented me form having a feeling. was leaving the house early, so i could avoid a feeling acting out? well, i could spin it any way that i like, the reality was i chose a behavior to minimize my frustration and it certainly worked, although i arrived at work way too early, the commute that normally takes 30 minutes took 50 minutes.
BTW: the diagonal is an ice skating rink, so if you can, avoid it, there was one roll-over in the ditch and i nearly slid through the intersection at 63rd.
as i sit here at work, writing this, i am also reminded that my behavior is a reflection on the freedom i have gotten from my reactions to feelings. it as the reading said, living a life in active recovery, freed me from my slavery to active addiction. it has also diminished my slavery to my reactions to my feelings. i certainly buy that, as a recovering person, i cannot control my feelings. i also accept the notion, that active addiction, hardwired many reactions into my repertoire of behaviors. with that in mind, it is certainly a relief to know that the path i have chosen, gives me some control over how i behave as a reaction to those uncontrollable feelings. and if you have been reading me for any time, you know i love to take any control back that i can. i certainly do appreciate that i can be better at handling my feelings and as the day passes and the snow falls, i am certain that when the time is right, i will cut and run home. i also know that with the weather being what it is, that frustration, adrenaline and slow motion will be part of my drive back home. i also know that i have deadlines to meet and things to do, so i will sign-off by saying i am grateful for being give the keys to emotional freedom, or at least freedom from default reactions, through the process of the steps.

∞ DT ∞