Blog entry for:

on my **negative** feelings, is certainly a bit of freedom. i, however , find even greater feelings when i stop judging my feelings in binary, black and white, or negative and positive categories. that is a bit of of a digression as i have gone down that path more than once, so now i have said it, it is obvious that i am not a “feelings judgement machine,” these days and i can move along.
ironically, this was the very first seed i used, way back when and thinking about what i wrote then and what i am feeling today, i can see that there is actually a bit of changing going on. that little ditty was about what i saw in others and although i am very proficient in seeing the “good and bad” behaviors in others, i am not so good in seeing it in myself, or at least i was not. yes, in my world-view it is behaviors that can take on the labels of good and bad. those behaviors are either conscious actions when a feeling has come to the surface, or an unconscious, default reaction to that feeling. i have a bit further to go, in order to decouple feelings from behaviors. 😂
the fact is, the criterion i use to drop behaviors into those category buckets is whether that behavior facilitates my journey into becoming the person i have always wanted to be, or hinders that process. after a shower and a few chores, returning to this, feels as if i am returning to the scene of a crime, that i committed but have absolutely no memory of actually being present. where i think i was going and where i feel like i am going now, was speaking about what my behaviors happen to be, good, bad indifferent and how they allow me to change those feelings, either by pitching them into the bit bucket or enhancing them.
yes it is quite true, that my behaviors no not naturally fall into a binary world of good and bad, positive and negative, black and white. as much as i would like to believe that it is really that easy, for me it is not. using the criteria above, helps to simplify and drive me from complexity, but does eliminate the shades of grey between the extremes.
as this has been an emotional week for me, i became a butt-hurt snowflake at the slightest bit of disrespect. someone i have worked with,m in my side gig, came at me in a very demanding and obsessive tone. she threw me far too much and demanded what she thought i was capable of offering in an e-mail exchange late Friday evening. i am quite sure that was not her intent, but e-mail communication leaves a whole lot of room for misinterpretation, and i hammered her back out of anger. i overreacted and as a result, now she is quite cowed and probably in the future will treat me with kid gloves. my “bad” behavior was auto-magically delicious and a return to values that i do not ascribe to, today. i reminds me of some of the hangers-on, that i have dealt with over the course of my recovery, and i acted just as they do, vengeful and aggressive, rather than assertive. there will need to be an admission of wrong on my part and i will need to let go of what i perceive to be my mistreatment, it is just the manner in which she does her bidness. i am certainly better than my behavior and by shifting the anger, betrayal and disrespect i felt for my previous corporate masters to her, i was certainly in the wrong. how do i know that i owe anything? my dang 10th and 11th steps have been focused on that event since Friday night, action on my part, is therefore required and my response to the conciliatory e-mails will be just that. kind, courteous and respectful. the other instance was nasty not on the RV and the owners who feel entitled to park their vehicle on our street, for long-term storage. instead of turning them, into code enforcement, i put a note on the windshield and allowed them the opportunity to move it before their RV got in the system. when it shows up again, it will be pictures, license plate numbers and dates and times, that i will rat out. i understand that RV storage is expensive, even in a temporary situation, but have absolutely no sympathy or empathy for those who choose not to make the investment. if i can afford to take care of my stuff, i do not shift the responsibility and the cost on to society in general, that is just how i roll. i spent enough years believing that someone else would pay my way and the emotions of the week allowed me to be respectful and let them know the consequences of being a leech. in that case i was behaving correctly, living true to my values and allwoing others the opportunity to avoid the consequences of their “bad” behavior.
up next ↝ the e-mail response to the the events that triggered my less than stellar behavior and a few errands. it is after all, a good day to behave better than i did yesterday.

∞ DT ∞