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an overwhelming desire to stop using and yet here i sit today, still clean and doing this recovery gig, after a minute or so clean. when i think about it, people like me, usually do not get clean and stay clean once the external factors that sent one to the rooms, have been removed. i have seen that story play out, time and again and it is my sincerest HOPE, that those who have left the rooms to pursue something “different” are not back in the throes of active addiction and to egotistical to come back and ask for help, as i know i would certainly be prone to being. no, when i came to the rooms, it was to remove a certain department of local government from my life and i was quite certain that once that agency was gone, i would return to the life i was forced to leave. although i am not certain what happened along the way, i am still around and i can be grateful for the opportunity io got, to get clean and stay clean, long enough for me to pull my head out of my a$$.
as i have made very plain in the recent past, i am not find of the “positive and negative” labels being applied to my behaviors and feelings. likewise, the same is true with “good and bad.” i need not go into a dissertation why that is the case, it is just how i have come to see things these days. i am also not a fan of the whole “changing the way i feel” through acting-out paradigm, although i get why one would want to go in that direction. that being said, i am far from saintly in my behaviors, and my feelings are far from happy, joyous and free, most of the time. what i need to look at these days, is what is the payoff for me, if i CHOOSE to act in a manner that flies in the face of the spiritual principles purport to follow?
if i went to the local dispensary and got a bag of “cannabis jelly beans” and devoured just one, it would be all about getting away with something. in other words, could i get high and remain undetected? there is certainly a thrill in “getting away with something” that is part of my DNA, as the saying goes. that is an easy case: as i get to kill two birds with one stone, as it were, i get high, and as far as everyone in the fellowship is concerned i get to keep my clean time. the question than arises, what is my payoff when i act-out with other behaviors and do the benefits outweigh the undesirable consequences? chance are they do not, hence into the &#negative label” bucket, it goes.
most days and certainly most of each day, i have the desire to look as if i am doing and feeling well, as well as live a life by spiritual principles. i do not live life under a rock and do not walk around with the FEAR of relapse looming over me, like some sort of vengeful flaming sword. having a spiritual practice that does not include the promise of life everlasting, nor eternal damnation or salvation, means that when i choose to act in a manner contrary to my moral compass, i pay for it in the here and now. for me, manipulating others to do what i desire, through the application of my personal power over them, is one of my greatest “sins.” getting away with that sort of behavior, as in not getting caught, even makes it more attractive to me. bonus, as it were, not unlike hitting the jackpot up at my local casino. fortunately for me anyhow, i have a 10TH STEP and can correct this sort direction on a daily basis and more importantly get to why i NEED to get this sort of stimulation. which character defect is being activated in such a manner that it needs to be plastered over with a less than stellar behavior? the root cause and condition rather than acceptance that i may just be flawed in this respect. with that knowledge there is certainly the HOPE that i can choose something different, just for today.

∞ DT ∞